Two nuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
My kiddo loved that around her age.
this post was submitted on 07 Nov 2024
98 points (98.0% liked)
Ask Lemmy
26707 readers
2439 users here now
A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions
Please don't post about US Politics.
Rules: (interactive)
1) Be nice and; have fun
Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them
2) All posts must end with a '?'
This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?
3) No spam
Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.
4) NSFW is okay, within reason
Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either [email protected] or [email protected].
NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].
5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions.
If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email [email protected]. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.
Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.
Partnered Communities:
Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
Knock knock
Who's there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in and you'll find out!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because it didn't have any body to go with
Knock, knock
Who's there?
The interruptive cow
The interrup-
MOOOOOO
Why'd the cookie go to the hospital?
He was feeling crummy!
What'd the envelope say to the stamp?
Stick with me, kid, we'll go places.
A big hole was dug at the police station. Theyβre currently looking into it.
Why do firefighters wear red suspenders? Keeps their pants up.
Guess what? Chicken butt.
I have some sense of self preservation. She's bad enough right now calling everyone a banana!
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Cause his mommy got stuck in a jam.
Yes, let's get the kid started with dark humor.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
5yo love gross humor
They definitely do!
I would suggest a book of jokes specifically for kids. Like this one.
It's free on Kindle Unlimited. You don't even have to let your daughter know that you're getting them from a book.
Assuming Kindle Unlimited is a paid service, the book isn't free.
OMG! You're technically correct but added nothing to the conversation! Congratulations!
Knock knock
Whoβs there?
Who.
Who who?
Youβre making a good owl!
My parents told me this was my favorite joke when I was around your daughterβs age. Apparently I used the joke non-stop and my parents still laughed every time because of how much I cracked up at my own joke.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
What do you call a fly with no legs? A walk
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea
shouldn't that be a fly with no wings ?
Love the deer ones lol
Did you know that the US government keeps and provides access to a database of dad jokes on fatherhood.gov, one joke at a time?
You could also snag this full dad jokes database from kaggle which contains over 13k dad jokes.
Hope you both enjoy!
Ty
What has five toes and is not your foot?
My foot!
People who run in front of cars get tired.
People who run next to cars get winded.
People who run behind cars get exhausted.
People who ride a bicycle next to cars are too tired. People who ride old bicycles next to cars eating pennies are penny farting.
What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Why did the blind man fall in the well? He couldnβt see that well.
A man goes to the doctor and says "I think I have hearing problems." "Can you describe the symptoms?" "Sure! Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair."
Did you hear about the huge sale at the Lego store? People were lined up for blocks.
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, "Do you want to hear todayβs special?" I said, "Yes please." "No problem sir. Today is special."
I'd tell you a time travel joke, but you didn't get it.
I used to work at a toy factory making plastic Draculas. There were only two of us, so I had to make every second Count.
First 3 should get a good reaction. The rest require context I'm more sure she's picked up on properly yet.
What's brown and sticky?
My favourite joke, being the only one I can remember. Still gets a laugh!
Is your refrigerator running? Yes? Better go catch it!
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? "Fsssssh" (only works if you say it out loud, and they know how to spell)
The start of one of my favourites, that fell completely flat.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What big brown and sticky? A big stick.
What brown and hurt if it fall on you from a tree? A piano.
Que flat confused look.
5 years olds can be a tough crowd.
Gonna jump in here so you teach your kid right:
Cue, pronounced "Q," is the spelling for "time to go on stage or say your line " or in this case, "time to look confused."
QuΓ© is pronounced "K" and is basically Spanish for what, although "por quΓ©?" is "Why?"
I know that because of the old joke about the lady crying at her husband's coffin "Por quΓ©, por quΓ©?" And the coffin opened and said "Butter." But the reference is too old.
Anyway Queue is the last one, it's English English, pronounced "Q" and means people standing in a line, just as all the silent letters are.
load more comments
(3 replies)
What is blue but doesn't weigh very much? Light blue
So good
do you have any holes in your socks?
no?
how'd you get your feet in there?
Where does the King keep his armies? In his sleevies!
One joke that both my kids loved at that age goes as follows:
There's this farmer who sits with his dog on a horse-drawn cart. Suddenly, the horse turns its head and says "Beautiful weather, boss!". Obviously, the farmer is stunned. Then the dog nudges him and says: "Huh that's funny. That horse just talked.".
I'll definitely be teaching this one to her. Even if only to see how badly she garbles telling it back!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because they didn't have chickens back then.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
So this cowboy puppy comes in here and says: I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw
load more comments
(1 replies)
Wanna hear my favorite knock knock joke? Great!
You start...
Q: What do you call a large amphibious mammal with a huge mouth, large teeth, fat body and goes around swearing at passers-by?
A: Hippopottymouth
Has she discovered the use of puns yet? I would recommend those cheesy dad-joke books and the joke pages from copies of Reader's Digest.
She's discovered the concept, along with jokes, she doesn't quite "get" them yet. She gets the basic idea, but not the subtleties that make them work. The results are cute, but horrifically bad.
Have you done banana banana banana orange yet? Can be retold many ways by kids who didn't quite get the pun, like "grape you glad I'm not a banana." Hilarious every time, when you're the 5 year old.
load more comments
(1 replies)
Do they not sell kids joke books in the check out line at the grocery store anymore? Used to be tons of those.
view more: next βΊ