this post was submitted on 14 Nov 2024
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Here’s Why I Decided To Buy ‘InfoWars’ By Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO ☞ https://theonion.com/heres-why-i-decided-to-buy-infowars/

And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice.

🤣

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[–] [email protected] 286 points 1 month ago (1 children)

My favorite part of this:

...Collins said that “part of the reason we did bought InfoWars is because people on Bluesky told us it would be funny to buy InfoWars” adding that “those people were right” this “is the funniest thing that has ever happened”.

[–] [email protected] 115 points 1 month ago

That also sounds like the kind of prank that Cards Against Humanity would pull if they had access to as much cash. I love this so much.

[–] [email protected] 253 points 1 month ago (2 children)

Honestly, considering how much of a clown Alex Jones was, they have their work cut out for them if they want to compete at comedic levels!

Either way, this may be the best news I've heard all year, thank you!

[–] [email protected] 126 points 1 month ago (3 children)

I wonder if this gives them the rights to all of Infowars' library of footage. Maybe they could "keep" Jones as a host by cutting up old clips kinda how South Park did with Isaac Hayes for Chef's last episode.

[–] [email protected] 70 points 1 month ago (3 children)

Up for grabs at the auction were Infowars production rights and materials, the Infowars store, domain names, production equipment and other assets — including a Terradyne armored truck and a Winnebago motor home — that can be purchased in their entirety or in parts, according to the firm, ThreeSixty Asset Advisors. Jones broadcasts from the Austin, Texas, area.

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[–] [email protected] 23 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (2 children)

I hope they own Jones' likeness to the point where they can give DJs the rights to remix his shouts into something of value.

[–] [email protected] 19 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Train an AI model to produce new shows with him as the host

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[–] [email protected] 224 points 1 month ago (5 children)

They should harness the crazy for good. Make conspiracy theory-sounding stories, but make them factual and get people to take positive action.

"They created chemicals you can inject into the bloodstream that keeps them from getting the Measels."

"The overlords in their golden towers want to tell you who you are and aren't allowed to love."

[–] [email protected] 90 points 1 month ago (2 children)

The vaccine one would probably be better as: “independent thinking researchers developed a means of using your own body’s immune response to prevent diseases with a mere injection. Some of them even refused to patent it. But then the media started lying to you about them, trying to get you to stop accepting these miracles? Why, just so some companies could make more money selling you proprietary snake oil to keep you comfortable while you’re sick.”

[–] [email protected] 47 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Coming from a reformed conspiracy theorist, that was frighteningly good.

[–] [email protected] 32 points 1 month ago (2 children)

Thanks! The trick is to understand the emotions they aim for and the baseline rhetorical tricks.

Conspiracies stem from knowing you’re getting fucked, but that most people are good. It’s an attempt to find explanations when the world feels wrong. Someone did it. You just have to sell the truth in the tone that they’re used to hearing. Especially with vaccines where the truth does sound like a free lunch, until you realize that it’s governments and insurers paying for vaccines and it saves them and the economy money by you not getting sick or needing stronger medicines. These are the two groups that desperately want you to exercise, eat right, and quit smoking

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[–] [email protected] 159 points 1 month ago (5 children)

The funniest piece is going to be seeing old followers believe it’s still the InfoWars they know and love. It took forever for people to stop eating the onion in large numbers, and it still manages to happen on occasion.

There is opportunity here. Initially, anyway.

[–] [email protected] 73 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I think there's always going to be that group of people. Another example: folks that didn't notice that The Colbert Report was satire.

[–] [email protected] 27 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I thought Glenn Beck was satire. Watched it several times and then one day .. wait, that's not a joke?

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[–] [email protected] 67 points 1 month ago (3 children)

A part of me actually wished that the Onion would have purchased InfoWars, but in secret, like maybe under a subsidiary corp that has a right-wing sounding name.

They don't change Infowars' branding or anything but the articles become subtly liberal.

Maybe an overt purchase is better but I really want to troll the right.

[–] [email protected] 29 points 1 month ago

"Do your swastikas send the right message to your neighbors? Maybe try this instead..."

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[–] [email protected] 144 points 1 month ago (1 children)

This was not on my bingo card.

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[–] [email protected] 122 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (2 children)

Info Wars might actually become credible

[–] [email protected] 21 points 1 month ago (1 children)
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[–] [email protected] 77 points 1 month ago (5 children)
[–] [email protected] 27 points 1 month ago (2 children)

"Tim onion" got an irl lol out of me

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[–] [email protected] 72 points 1 month ago

Through it all, InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global Tetrahedron.

[–] [email protected] 68 points 1 month ago (9 children)

I genuinely don't know how they plan to make a parody of InfoWars that will not be indistinguishable from the original thing.

[–] [email protected] 32 points 1 month ago (1 children)

They’re very, very good at it

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[–] [email protected] 54 points 1 month ago

very funny, very stupid

Well, their work is half done already!

[–] [email protected] 53 points 1 month ago (1 children)

truly the wildest of timelines

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[–] [email protected] 53 points 1 month ago

Fucking awesome. Onion has been hitting it hard lately, and this is just the cherry on top. I am hopeful this makes some chuds question their minds.

[–] [email protected] 50 points 1 month ago (9 children)

This is what I call a master class on starting a soft revolution: you take over a symbol of the opposite ideology, in the most outrageous and ridiculous way, make it known to all, and completely subvert it and deconstruct it, piece by piece, until it stops making any sense to its former self.

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[–] [email protected] 50 points 1 month ago (11 children)

For me, the cherry on top is how the "InfoWars" name is still completely apt, for completely different reasons.

[–] [email protected] 25 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Reformatting InfoWars as a serious, unironic branch of the Onion that deals with misinformation would just be great.

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[–] [email protected] 48 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Counterpoint, it was already stupid.

[–] [email protected] 43 points 1 month ago

Yes, but this time it will be on purpose.

[–] [email protected] 46 points 1 month ago (3 children)

Will anyone visiting know the difference?

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[–] [email protected] 45 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Is it The Onion? Or Not the Onion?

Yes

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[–] [email protected] 37 points 1 month ago (4 children)

Saw the news on their YouTube. Looked it up thinking it was satire and sure as shit it’s not. Probably the fastest I’ve ever purchased merch ever. Gonna love wearing my onion shirt, always loved them but this was the point I needed to send them some money because this is hilarious.

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[–] [email protected] 32 points 1 month ago

The Onion's first headline needs to be:

"Oh Shit! It's ALL true!"

[–] [email protected] 31 points 1 month ago

im sorry but the owner's name is tim onion. please publish a correction.

[–] [email protected] 31 points 1 month ago (4 children)

They should send Alex Jones a $1 "royalty" check every month - just so that he doesn't forget it.

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[–] [email protected] 27 points 1 month ago

Finally some good news!

[–] [email protected] 23 points 1 month ago (9 children)

Remember Stephen Colbert's satire? Conservatives loved him.

Satire of something already completely outlandish is problematic.

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[–] [email protected] 19 points 1 month ago

Listen, I keep saying that reality is better satire than satire, BUT COME ON!

[–] [email protected] 19 points 1 month ago
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