Ask Lemmy

Single about 25 years. I'm 71 and I absolutely love my life. I have lots of friends and a very active life, but I love coming home and being alone there. Before menopause I had a strong libido and terrible taste in men, so I had a lot of truly awful relationships, with endless drama.

It's kind of by choice I guess, though I don't get offers. A few years ago a guy gave me the eye and I contemplated it, until I caught sight of his bare feet. Oh dear god no. Self-care is important mate, you need to see a podiatrist.

The main con of being single for me is not enough hugs and cuddles. The pros are too many to give up for that though. I get to decide everything and make plans based on what I want. I can fart loudly, talk to my potplants and be lazy without Someone rolling their eyes, it's bliss.

I was born in 1987, sooooo, 36.5 years and counting....

I wasn't mature enough to be interested in finding a girlfriend in school, when I started being interested I got fat and balding.

Then it has now gone so long that I am worried about how an inexperienced virgin would be seen by women in their 30s/40s.

I have a good job, limited debt, own my apartment and my car, have decent finances, have lived alone for ten years so can take care of chores, pay bills, I am a decent cook (if lazy), I enjoy photography and simple adventures.

I am a bit insecure of my weight, but am trying to work on it when I can, I go swimming 3 times a week during periods when I can do that.

The main issue is that I don't know where to start finding someone.

Currently somewhere around 10 years single.

I struggle with social cues, anxiety, etc.

It's lonely.

How long have you gone without being in a romantic relationship?

The first 13 years of my life

How much time have you spent being single?

The aforementioned 13 years, plus sporadic times in my teen years and early adult years. I've been in a relationship with my wife since I was 21.

If you're currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?

N/A

Do you / did you enjoy single life?

Yes, to a certain degree.

What are / were the pros and cons?

Pros:

1.) I was in control of my own life. I could just decide to do something - anything - and then just do it.

2.) Didn't have to keep track of finances. If money disappeared from my account, it was because I spent it.

3.) If opportunities to be intimate with someone arose, I could go with the flow and see where the night takes me. I didn't have to commit to anyone if I didn't want to.

Cons:

1.) Loneliness. No one to spend your time with.

2.) No one to bounce ideas off of, or introduce interesting plans or events into my life. It made planning for things harder, and encouraged me to be a lazy/messy couch potato instead of going out and being productive.

Is / was partnership a goal of yours?

Yes.

If you're currently not single: Did your goals change after getting into a relationship?

Yes, relationships are compromise. Your goals will change. But it may be for the better or worse, depending on your partner.

What are the pros and cons?

Pros:

1.) No longer alone.

2.) I've been married to my best friend for 15 years, so every day is fun and exciting.

3.) My wife encourages me to get out and do stuff. I've been on trips across Europe, Asia, and America. I've been on 3 separate luxury cruise lines; one in the Mediterranean and two in the Caribbean. Without my wife, I would've just stayed home and missed out on all those life experiences.

4.) I have shared hobbies with my wife, so I always have a partner for the fun things I want to do.

5.) We also have separate hobbies, so when one of us needs alone time, we both can focus on something we want to do without the other for a while.

6.) We're more productive together. Alone, we'd just veg out and watch TV or doom scroll the Internet. But together, we can discuss various topics and explore new and fun things together.

7.) Getting laid is easy (unless you're partner makes it difficult). No more prowling clubs/bars or dating apps and settling for someone just to get your rocks off. You have a willing partner at home who, if you're in a healthy relationship, should be willing to get down with you most anytime. And you know their sexual history, so no worrying about getting an STI or something.

8.) If you're in a healthy relationship, you have someone who you can truly be yourself around. You won't need to put on a mask and pretend to be someone you're not. It's quite liberating to have someone who sees you at your worst in the privacy of your own home and still wants to be with you.

Cons:

1.) Every major decision needs to be audited by my partner. I can't just decide to do something; I need to run it by my wife first. I'm in a healthy relationship, so I can just decide to do stuff on my own all the time and it's not a big deal. But my relationship is also healthy because I include my wife in my planning, even if she's not going to be involved. I don't just run off to "hang out with the boys." I give her opportunities to be involved, and if she chooses to stay at home instead of come out with me, that's totally her decision. Or if she needs a night in with me, I cancel plans to spend time with her. I spend enough time with her that it's not a big deal if I want to go do something on my own every now and then.

2.) I'm legally committed to this relationship (marriage), so if a better opportunity for a relationship comes along, I can't just see where it takes me. My options are to cheat, or go through a lengthy divorce process before proceeding. Or do nothing and remain loyal to my spouse. It's too risky/costly to attempt the first two, so I just don't bother looking for other opportunities. I vowed to be loyal, so unless my wife makes my life a living nightmare, I'm sticking with her until the end.

3.) Aligning life goals can be difficult if you didn't talk it out before committing to a serious relationship. And in the early years of a relationship, who wants to discuss the rest of your life together? It's easy to get invested in someone whose life plans don't match up with yours. So you have to live with compromise. Some dreams, you have to give up. Same goes for your partner.

4.) Unless your partner is responsible with finances, expect to have trouble keeping track of your money. Or just maintain separate bank accounts. Hopefully your partner isn't a golddigger. My wife cares more about spending time with me than spending my money, so we have a healthy relationship. And there's nothing wrong with spending money on someone you love. But if it seems like your partner only cares about your money and will leave you if/when the money dries up, it's better to leave that relationship as soon as possible.

5.) Relationships are a gamble. You never know if it's going to go smoothly, or if your partner is just using you for something until a better opportunity passes by. Hopefully you have a healthy relationship, and the cornerstone to that is trust and communication. But there are always master manipulators out there who will convince you that you need to stay in a relationship with them, even if it doesn't make you happy. They'll convince you that being lonely is worse than being in a broken/abusive relationship. If your partner starts isolating you from friends/family and doesn't let you make decisions, you're in an abusive relationship and need to get out immediately!

I generally went a year and half after a break-up before swearing off women; once I swear off women I have a new girlfriend within two weeks. Never fails.

How much time have you spent being single?

Not long enough.

If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?

Both.

Do you / did you enjoy single life?

Very much so.

What are / were the pros and cons?

Pros:

• no more compromises (this covers most of the pros)
• more money in the bank

Cons:

• sometimes I miss someone to share something (both good and bad)

Is / was partnership a goal of yours?

Nope.

How much time have you spent being single?

Most of my life. I've had two serious relationships and one complicated one, none lasting more than six months. My last relationship ended in late 2019, so it's been 4.5 years. I'm 33 this year, and have been single for about 31 years total.

If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?

Bit of both. I choose not to invest my time, money, and energy into pursuing a relationship, but sometimes that choice feels forced because I don't have enough time, money, or energy to spare for pursuing a relationship. If it happens, it happens, but I'm not proactive about it because I'm focusing on work and my hobbies. If I ever find myself financially stable without working full time I might have time to actively pursue a relationship, but that's not in the cards right now for my autistic ass. I spend almost all my free time recovering so I can go back to work.

I joined a LARP community and I go to board game and DnD meetups specifically to meet people and keep my social muscles healthy. Hopefully I'll find a partner in those circles someday, but no luck so far. The unfortunate reality is that every girl I meet is already in a relationship. I have made a lot of friends, so mission accomplished as far as that goes, but the folks who say that joining hobby groups and hanging out with people who share your interests is the best way to find a partner are full of shit.

Finally, both of my serious relationships ended on good terms because my partner felt I did not communicate enough with them, while I felt the amount of communication they were expecting was too much for me to maintain, which made the relationship a source of stress and anxiety for me. We broke it off, and I'm still good friends with one of them. This is a problem with me that I'm not sure how to fix, and it's very much not conducive to a healthy relationship. I hope I can find a partner who's comfortable with that some day, but it's made me leery of jumping into new relationships.

Do you / did you enjoy single life?

No, but I don't enjoy dating life, either. Life in general is an unending stream of demands, and I never get enough time to stop, breath, and reset. That's true while I'm single, and it was true while I was dating.

What are / were the pros and cons?

Pros:

• My living space is my own. Everything stays exactly where I left it, and I can decorate as I please.
• I eat when and what I want. I can cook or eat out as I choose. Meals don't need to be a production, and if I want to stock up and eat the same thing for weeks on end there's no one to complain about it.
• My time is my own. I can schedule things whenever and I don't need to coordinate calendars. If I need to travel for work I can drop everything and just go.
• No fucking kids. My niece, nephew, and soon to be 2nd nephew are plenty.

Cons:

• I'm so lonely. So very lonely.
• Porn addiction. I have a high sex drive, no healthy outlet for it, and it's an easy dopamine hit for stress and anxiety relief.
• Financial stress. I'm barely getting by on a single income.
• Constantly questioning my identity. I think I'm some flavor of aromantic sex-positive asexual, and I suspect I'm bi and/or trans, but I've got no partner to explore my own gender and sexuality with. It's hard to tell how much is real and how much is my mind spinning off the rails with nothing to latch on to.

Is / was partnership a goal of yours?

Yes. I'd like to settle down with a fellow introvert so we can be alone together.

I've been single for most of my adult life. I prefer it to being in a relationship, as I like myself better single.

38 years and counting. Do I win?

Coming up on 8 years. I'm in my late 20s.

I had a string of very intense relationships early on and found life much less stressful without one.

I have enjoyed it. But approaching my 30s I've realized how much I want to share my life with someone. I am fortunate enough to have many close friends, both male and female, and would love to have that chemistry and support available daily, in a more intimate context.

Pros, unquestionable agency. Cons, occasional intense loneliness and being unable to spend much time with friends who are in their own relationships.

A partnership is a goal of mine, yes. But I'm reaching for that goal by first working to make sure I'm the best possible version of myself that I can be.

1. 18 years (the whole life so far).

2. I guess a weird combination? I don't even know what to do. I'd need a precise step-by-step manual...

3. No.

4. I don't know. I don't have what to compare to.

5. I don't understand the question.

6. N/A

7. N/A

About two weeks now, she broke it off cause I fucked up, I know I did.

a few months ago we had sex, it had been building and it was nice, but about a week or two after she said she didn't want anymore till marriage for religious reasons, which I understood as we both come from Christian backgrounds.

The problem came from my sexual frustration affecting my actions, I tried respecting her boundary but as we would cuddle a lot, I would get aroused and then frustrated with myself.

Two weeks prior to our breakup, I asked if she would let me relieve myself as I tried this the last time we hung out and was much more relaxed, but I didn't want to force her out of the room to do so

So I asked if she wanted to stay, she first said yes, which I knew was a lie, and I asked her again at which she said no and left the room

She came back a few minutes later and asked to go home, which I took her home feeling awful cause I knew I made her uncomfortable.

Other frustrations with family and financial that I didn't deal with caused me to act irrationally (generally just irritated) the subsequent weeks, she then broke it off and it took me awhile to realize all of what I had done, I knew I messed up that day, but that wasn't the only thing.

I should've changed my mindset and made her boundary my boundary, and reached out and talked about what was frustrating me instead of dancing around it, I feel awful and want to try and fix it, I miss her family deeply and all I want to do is have dinner with them, sit on the couch and watch a stupid movie.

I'm trying to do other things that make me happy but I'm finding it tough, tried working out but I lose energy quickly, games are feeling dull, my friends that I can still hangout with aren't available right now and won't be for months. I'm having trouble finding a job, and I'm considering joining the military, but I'm just tired, so so tired.

People say that it gets better with time, but I just feel like it's getting worse. Maybe it gets worse before it gets better but idk. She was my first relationship, but we've known each other for a long time, and I've known her family for just as long, and it feels like a lot of things I love are just gone now.

I was in two brief relationships with the same person some 10 years ago. I am single certainly by choice, I'm a sovereign person who loves their absolute independence, I get to do or not do whatever I want, whenever I want. Committing to be with someone is not my thing.

Sometimes it's lonely when a certain kind of friend is not available. Befriending single people is always a gamble, if they enter a relationship they are likely to fade out of existence pretty quick.

Over a year.

I hate people. Modern dating is a shit show. Not interested.

How long have you gone without being in a romantic relationship?

As an adult, probably 1.5 years was the longest without being in a relationship or at least seriously dating.

If you're currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?

Married, so N/A

Do you / did you enjoy single life?

Yes, overall.

What are / were the pros and cons?

Pros: more time with friends (you should always make time for them and can obviously still interact with them and your partner together but you have to make time for your partner, so there’s less available for friends), time to work on yourself and reflect/improve.

Cons: not having that special emotional connection, having less physical intimacy

Is / was partnership a goal of yours?

Yes, I guess. Enough of a goal that I tried online dating.

If you're currently not single: Did your goals change after getting into a relationship?

No, my personal and professional goals are still the same.

29 years later this month

Both? Never had any good chances to ask anyone out, but also never had the drive to find one

As much as anyone with undiagnosed mental conditions who's making $7.25 an hour possibly can

Don't have to spend money on dates, don't have to open up to anyone, but also don't have any dates to spend money on, and don't have anyone to open up to

At some point probably, but point #3 makes it hard

I guess it depends. My relationships never lasted terribly long, but I was kind of a slut in my 20s. I deleted all my socials during the pandemic. So in the spirit of the question, 5 years. At first I needed some time alone, but then it just kind of happened. I'm open to the idea, but loneliness is preferable to the casino that dating apps became. I'm in my 30s, single friends of friends are thin on the ground. I don't even know where 30 year olds meet each other. I wish the library was open late. I do enjoy the single life. I sleep in every morning. I spend my money how I wish. But people don't realize how touch starved you get. No sex won't kill you, but no intimacy might. Its why dudes can't distinguish between friendly and sexual contact; they get none of it, especially after their mom dies. I don't know. A girlfriend would be nice.

How much time have you spent being single?

Since the last "we might get married" relationship its been almost 15 years.

If you're currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?

The main reasons I am single are that I dont go out and socialize enough to find someone and I haven't really tried to find someone because I didn't feel I was in a good place to be in a relationship.

Do you / did you enjoy single life?

I am ok being single but it would be nice to find my other half or at least have a stronger social network.

What are / were the pros and cons?

Pros: freedom, not being with someone that made me feel worse than being alone

Cons: can be lonely, a healthy relationship is more appealing.

Is / was partnership a goal of yours?

Eventually I'd like to find "my other half" but I also know that there are worse things than being single and I'd rather make meeting my social needs my goal rather than not being single the goal.

In total? Not sure. Current streak is about 5 years. I'm 26.

It's by circumstance. I keep looking, keep going on dates, but it never works out. At this point it's pretty difficult to find the confidence to ask someone out in the first place. I'm going to my first therapy session next week so maybe I'll be able to work on that.

I enjoy single life, I have a bunch of friends who I spend time witg, but it would still be nice to be in a relationship.

Pro of being single is having more freedom, but I'm really missing physical intimacy.

Partnership is a goal for me. I just don't want to bother people in public, even in bars, clubs etc. and dating apps suck.

How long have you gone without being in a romantic relationship?

About 14 years (I’m 22).

If you're currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?

Not by choice.

Do you / did you enjoy single life?

No.

What are / were the pros and cons?

Pros: More free time, less drama

Cons:

• I don’t get to experience what it feels like to be loved or to have any kind of intimacy (cuddling, kissing, sex, pair dancing, etc.)
• It will be much harder to find affordable housing once I stop being a student
• I feel excluded when my friends talk about their relationships
• My parents are going to be disappointed
• If I want to have children in the future (I’m not sure yet), it probably won’t be a possibility

Is / was partnership a goal of yours?

Yes, obviously.

Seven years.

Right now, I’m five and a half years out of my previous one. Basically, recovering and growing up before I start another one.

At this point I’m scared though because it’s been way longer than I thought it would take

Why?