Ask Lemmy

Narcistic, gaslighting mother and dead father. I was the one running the household (including way too many pets) but my mother happily took credit for everything.

Took me almost 20 years to finally snap, when she bought yet another dog and got angry at me for not being happy about it (we had 4 dogs, 5 cats, 9 ducks, a goat, 3 guinea pigs and 2 bunnies at the time, and I was working a full-time job so "we" could pay rent). She managed to convince the rest of the family that I was the bad guy. None of them even bothered to ask for my side of the story.

I took all animals to a sanctuary (as I didn't want innocent pets to suffer because of her negliegience) except for one very old dog and the most agressive cat which I took with me (as they would have had very bad chances of finding new owners) and moved away.

NGL, it was very weird and it took me 2-3 years to acclimate, but I'm better off now. It's astounding what lots of spare time and 90% less responsibility can do for one's personal wellbeing.

I know from mutual friends that her bubble of lies has finally popped and most of my other family members refuse to talk to her now .... but the "best" part is that none of them has reached out to me yet and they're getting angry that I don't try to mend things with them "because we're still family" and since I was the one who left, they expect me to be the one to make the first step. They honestly feel like I have wronged them and need to apologize.

I am done being the "bigger person". They can rot for all I care. Leaving that situation was one of the best decisions in my life, and sometimes I honestly wonder why it even took me so long to realize that this was not a "normal" life.

Cut out my mother a few years ago and I'm doing pretty great. No more anxiety at family gatherings or random guilt tripping phone calls. It's amazing the behavior you recognize when you're no longer subject to it.

She was/is very manipulative and I'm hoping that my siblings eventually figure it out too. Two of them are firmly on her side while the other 2 remain neutral. I've explained to them my situation and they're all old enough to do with that information as they will.

There's no chance for reconciliation and I'm ok with that. This is the most I've been at peace in my life, so no regrets.

I am proud of all of you

It was one of the greatest decisions we have ever made. We cut out my wife's parents and siblings. They're all raging narcissists and cutting the toxicity has greatly improved our lives. Our only regret is not doing it sooner.

TLDR; Great. Better every day. Learn how to know who you can trust.

Had to cut out my wife’s brother and sister-in-law (SIL) about 18 years ago. SIL was manipulative and controlling. Brother would mostly get bad news from SIL and lies about my wife and I.

For a long time we went along with it, until after several failed attempts for my wife and her brother to reconcile, I had to draw the line.

Wife came home shattered again because her brother did something hurtful when she had already accepted the blame for something SIL did.

Wife’s other sister called (who is actually a sane, intelligent, kind human being) accusing me of preventing my wife from being in contact with her brother. I calmly asked her if she really thought I was the kind of person that would (or could) stop my wife from talking to her own family. After a few angry moments she calmed down and I asked her “why did you think I would do that?”. Her answer: “SIL said you did.” I told her “Call my wife. Ask her if I ever told her she couldn’t talk to anyone.” Then I proceeded to tell her what her brother had done and SIL’s lies. Now she’s on my side.

SIL was blowing up my phone at work, and during my drive home. I know what she wants. I ignore her while I try to calm down, spoiler alert: it doesn’t help much.

I get home before my wife and I call SIL. We have words. Loud angry words. I tell her never to call again. Ever. Loudly and with finality.

Wife comes home towards end of the call. I’m literally shaking with pure rage, which I’ve never done before or since.

It took some time for my wife to really accept that as long as SIL is alive and married to her brother, she can’t have a relationship with him. He will always, always be SIL’s meat puppet.

I didn’t have to do anything beyond reminding her of their last meeting to prevent her from trying to reach out.

Wife has been better every day since we cut ties. If you, or anyone you know is connected to one of the toxic personalities, I implore you to learn how to know who you can trust.

If someone hurts you more than helps you, cut them loose. You don’t have to do it angrily or loudly like I did, but however you do it, know that life without those people is better than life with them.

Great! I cut my father out a few years back. He was emotionally abusive, narcissistic, and a compulsive liar. I briefly tried letting him back in, trying to set real firm boundaries, but it was just the same old shit - him throwing a giant temper tantrum whenever he didn't get what he wanted. I cut him out, again. I'd get the occasional nasty voicemail or email from a a new number or email address, whining about how I was an ungrateful child and "his counselor said adult children should do what their parents tell them" (riiiiight) but mostly didn't hear from him.

Then he died of COVID, being an idiot antivaxxer, and life has never been better. Honestly, I wish he had died years ago. It's fucked up but he's been a cancer on our family all along and we're all doing better now that he's dead.

Cut my dad out a few years ago. Every now and then I hear something that makes me want to call and rage at him. But it'll never be worth the agony of knowingly letting him back into my life, the memories that I'm finally starting to get over.

I have a father in law and a boss who have shown me what a fatherly figure could be, and I'm shocked every time something goes wrong and it's not the start of the round bell ringing.

My boss is going to die sometime in the next year, is his third time through cancer and he's not pursuing heavy treatment, I've known him for 3 years and I've already cried more at the thought of not having him going forward, I've not shed a single tear after cutting my dad out. I've shed tears learning of the things he used to do, and tears wishing I'd spoken out.

If there's someone toxic in your life, and you have a group of people who understand you, that you trust, understanding and trust go so much further than manipulation anxiety and fear.

I didn't cut out a family member, he cut himself out. My older brother, who was an absolute delight of a human ended his life in Hilo about 5 years ago and had before that gone 3 years with zero contact with his family with no explanation. I'm still mad at him for that. Just wish you had said anything, bro.

No contact with my father for over a year, in a much better place mentally and physically.

Been 20 years since I left my entire family behind. Occasionally text my step sister and an uncle but that's it. No regrets at all. I barely have enough time for all the people I choose to have in my life now, certainly no time for all the petty white trash baggage that it still sounds like they all subject themselves to.

It's been about 8 years since I spoke to my parents, and about 12 since I spoke to my younger brother. They were all different forms of abusive, addicted, and mentally ill, and life without their bullshit is so much nicer. I don't have to listen to tirades about how my interests are wrong, or how I didn't turn out to be the perfect daughter. I don't have to pretend to accept apologies that are only to make someone else feel better. And I don't feel pressured to make sure that my mother isn't feeling hurt or put out by something I do that literally has nothing to do with her.

It was rough for the first few months, but I'd already grieved for the relationships that I wished I'd had and never got. I'm a lot happier without them, and much more able to care for my mental health now.

Better than when I was in touch with them. I don't talk to any of the extended family on my mom's side because they're all the absolute worst - racist, misogynistic, homophobic, just all around hateful. They didn't bring anything positive to any situation, and cutting them out has made things so much more peaceful.

I do sometimes wish that I was related to decent people, because it'll basically just be me alone when my mom dies and that sucks, but we don't get to pick our relatives.

I assume you mean, how is the relationship, not how am I doing in life? I've done about 95% of cutting my dad out of my life, usually just end up regretting the leftover 5% I've kept in place. He's been an asshole my entire life, but ever since Trump I find it hard to even have a conversation with him. I'm better off without him for sure. Which fucking sucks because he's the only family that actually lives close to me.

She died and I'm still here. We chalk those up as a win.

Pretty fuckin sweet i gotta say

Due to my parents' relationship issue, my childhood was miserable. I have to say that choosing to cut out my parents after going to college was the best decision I have made in the past 25 years. They once made me feel like I was the most guilty person in the world, but now I realize that they were the ones.

Doing fine except when other family members try to argue that we should let them back in.

Uh, no, he tried to break into my apartment at 1am high as a kite. It was fucking scary, and that was also the first time I'd seen him in over a year despite living less than a mile away.

They don't want to accept that his addiction has fundamentally changed him into a different person.

Not really my own family member, but my best friend's birth mom we all cut out because she was being controlling even though she was "supposed to" have a minor role in everything, and we drew the line at her trying to invalidate his and his mate's union. We're doing awesomesauce now.

I cut my father out of my life just about 20 years ago. He was a selfish alcoholic, drug abuser (I like to have fun like anyone else, but I’m not about pawn my kid’s PlayStation when I don’t have the money to get the goods like my former father did), malingerer and overall shitty dad.

It took years not to let the traits I inherited from him hold me back and/or hurt others, but I can say I’m pretty fucking successful now; I have a dream job, dream home and will be marrying the love of my life next month.

Everything I have now is in spite of him and my shitty upbringing.

I haven't spoken to my father for about 13 or 14 years now and I couldn't care less

Sister. I'm doing fine. She is too stupid to understand disability and relate to people outside of her tiny bubble. I have nearly eliminated conflict from my life as a result. I wish I could have done this as a child. I had no clue how toxic she was. I thought it was just a girls thing.

No contact with my brother for 6 years, haven't seen him since my grandfather's funeral 4 years ago. I do sometimes wish things were different - he lives with my parents, which means I haven't seen my family on holidays since then. But we have to live with the cards we're dealt, and he's too dangerous for me to be around.

Cut out my grandma and aunt. Both have been terrible people my whole life. My aunt is currently in prison on a federal charge of making death threats towards my dad and step mom.

I've got a soft cut on my dad, due to my step mom, who also has a lot of issues. I love my dad, but he's not very... fatherly. I'm bummed that I don't get to see him much in his older years, but I can't help the choices he makes.

Good. My uncle was addicted to gambling. Would sell family heirlooms, steal from other family members, and lie to cover his tracks. We all cut him out and it's better not having him in our lives.

I don't talk to my sisters bc they are both mean people. My parents weren't that great either and I'd get in trouble for shit that was obviously not me. Some of it came out through the years and my parents flipped their shit bc our relationship isn't great bc of all the groundings for lies that they believed.

There's a weight that hasn't been pressing down on me for roughly three years. I've grown in so many ways as well. It was a great decision that's only improved our immediate family group in almost every way.

That being said, my sister I have maintained contact with is getting married soon. And those I've cut out will be there. Little bit nervous about that and hope they don't cause a scene at the wedding. I offered to bow out but she doesn't want that. Our narcissistic sister (that she made her maid of honor) froze her out and refused to talk to her for two weeks when she found out was going to the wedding.

It's hard when their abuse is very subtle but very hurtful to navigate. I haven't cut them out, just set some hard boundaries... There is love but the guilt trips are real. They weren't bad parents but they've never even tried to see me for me. At almost 40, I just decided that a cycle of me saying I'm hurt and just letting it go every few months is bad.

My sister and are are very similar, but also polar opposites in world view. But there is so much more to that story than just having different world views. I made the decision to disconnect after suggesting we try family therapy, and being rejected, ultimately it was very good for my mental health and I feel significantly better overall.

I had been in a similar place with my mother, however after a year of family therapy with her, we have worked out our issues and become better people for it. So I don't just write people off, I certainly have talked about my decisions with my own therapist, and those were the right decisions to make at the time.

Been 20ish years since I've talked to my dad. So long ago that I don't really have emotions about it anymore.. It just is what it is.

I don't ever remember being like angry or vindictive or whatever when I ended it.. It was more recognizing that this person is a train wreck and the relationship with them does more harm than good. It's not worth the effort. It has always been about protecting my mental health more than it has been punishing his shitty behavior.

I was intentionally out of contact with the family for about 25 years, and have no regrets. Had a great time without them.

A few of them I've missed, and I've mellowed, so I'm back in contact again but only under my terms, and it's working out nicely. Thanks for asking.

Cut out my abusive father and stepmother two years ago, never been better but it took a while to deal with all the trauma they caused.

Hugs to everyone, y'all are doing great.

I'm estranged with my father. I've been no contact for several years now and I intend to keep it that way despite how much my family wants me to reconnect with him. I feel that I'm better off without him.

I still have tons of trauma from growing up in that environment, but the freedom immediately after I cut them out was astounding.

I can indulge my hobbies without getting vitriol. I don't come home to someone calling me stupid or threatening violence.

I'm not as "successful" as someone without my upbringing might have been--a lot of traits that make someone successful were broken in me early since I have a strong response to stress of any sort (I react automatically as if ANY stress is a survival thing of life or death and my defense mechanism to flee pops in which screws things up), and my life experience has shown me that other people are chaotic and untrustworthy and that it's unlikely I'll get any reward for toeing their lines or rules, but on the other hand, I also broke the cycle of abuse that my other family members who didn't spend a lot of reflective time picking apart their trauma still continue on with.

So by the measure of "not being an abusive asshat", I've been successful. And it sounds like that's a low bar, but when your early experiences ONLY have examples of neglectful or abusive asshats, it takes a lot to walk away from it and not do the same thing you watched and learned from as you grew up. You basically have to be contrary to everyone and everything in your world to break free, and it's hard since humans aren't wired like that, they're wired to conform.

So yeah. I'm not in the most wonderful place ever, but I think things would be IMMEASURABLY harder if I had to deal with my flaws now AND, on top of that, abusive and neglectful family dragging me down too. And I've had some wins, mainly that I'm not a cruel person.

I cut off contact with my narcissist father and stepmother about 8 or 9 years ago. I had previously cut off contact for a year or two at a time, but would feel guilty and reconnect and nothing changed. This time it's permanent.

Since then, my mental and emotional health has vastly improved. I have accomplished more in these years than in all the previous ones. I now have a great writing gig and life isn't perfect, but it's better now than ever before. If I ever did speak to them, the only thing I'd say is, "I couldn't have done it with you."

I've been dipping between contact and no contact and low contact for The last 5 years with my parents. My mom and I had a fight that made me realize that she doesn't and never has cared about who I am and though it's simplifying things, she's only really cared about my economic success.

Both parents gave me a variety of complete and total emotional incompetence. I look back on everything I've done and I can see the stupid actions I've taken as direct memory of my parents and it makes me feel really bad. They were incredibly authoritarian to me and unforgiving while at the same time totally down to entertain my sisters bs.

I'm definitely happier when I don't talk to them and much more unhappy when I do talk to them the biggest issue is that every time I remember something from my childhood it upsets me. And I remember a lot. And I don't know how to forgive anybody and I think it's because I've never processed the thousand cuts of disappointment of my childhood. So I don't talk to them and I don't know if that's going to change but telling myself that it won't change reduces my anxiety.