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Wow. How do you ya'll handle family get-to-gethers and holidays?
It was hard at first, mainly because we didn’t know how to handle it. Ultimately we had to let everyone else know what we did and why. Easier said than done.
We told them we wouldn’t be coming to any event where they would be present and stuck to our decision. This was the hardest part. We also had to let them know we were okay with it if they still wanted to have a relationship with her brother and SIL, and ended up having our own separate get togethers with other family members.
Took some time to get everyone onboard. Once we did, others started seeing what her brother and SIL were doing.
Wife had to remind them not to mention her brother or SIL. Not to forward any messages and not to give them our phone numbers, email addresses or mailing address.
Looking back, it wasn’t apparent how bad things were when we were in the middle of it. Now I wish we had cut ties right after we were married.
In my opinion, no amount of family pressure to meet is worth exposing ourselves to the toxicity her brother and SIL could dish out.
Her family wasn’t there when my wife would cry at night after her brother did or said something hurtful. I was.
Her family didn’t work for weeks to cheer her up when her SIL lied to another family member causing an upset. I was.
At the end of the day, members of your family are either going to support you or tear you down. If they don’t support you, they are enemies.
It doesn’t mean you have to engage in a fight. You can win by simply withdrawing completely.
They win when they upset you. Your despair literally encourages them to continue upsetting you.
Don’t communicate. Don’t give in. But also, don’t hold a grudge. You can forgive someone without falling into the same trap that got you in a bad place.
You have a right to surround yourself with people who will support your goals.
Tell the family members that support you that you appreciate your support. Don’t let anyone make light of their actions.
It doesn’t matter if ‘they had a rough upbringing’ or ‘they have a hard life’. It’s not an excuse, and it’s not a reason to let them get away with it. Lots of people had a “rough upbringing” and a “hard life”, but they don’t tear others down to make themselves feel better. Family members who can’t see this may also be problematic to associate with, because they can’t see the problem.
If you can’t see the problem, you’re bound to contribute to it.
You get to choose who you spend your time with.
You might be related, but you don’t owe anyone control over you.
You are your own person.