I literally asked my wife to marry me on the first date and she said yes. Getting right to the point is a woman after my own heart. Neither of us have ever dated before or, naturally, since.
We've been together for ten years.
We are also on the spectrum so that may have been a factor.
Why marriage? Can't you just start living together first?
Asking someone to marry you on the first is just stupid. Many things could not work out and marriage is a big thing. Imagine spending time and money and then find out that you are not fit together. Then you live a miserable life or fill for a divorce.
We did--After we agreed to get married, because we were quite sure, but at the same time we didn't want to impose such a stark change right away in case the change would exceed one's ability to cope with change which could lead to panic, meltdowns, etc. Neither of us handle change very well. We didn't actually get married immediately of course. She packed up a pod and moved in next. It was months before.
We also talked about having kids right away. Not having them right away! But we talked about it immediately, I think like five minutes in, because isn't it important to know?
As a counterpoint: nothing in life is without risk. I've seen friends take it slow and end up divorced, too.
The tax benefits tho :o
No kidding. My employer has top quality health insurance too, and in the USA that's a seriously big deal when your prospective partner has a health condition.
Why marriage? Can't you just start living together first?
Or not marry at all?
Jesus
Yeah that was a major factor
My wife and I started living together after 3 months, talking marriage at 6, and formally engaged at 9 months. We've been married over 6 years now.
I don't have time for high school nonsense. I'm not going to burn 1+ years of my life on a "maybe". The older I get, the better I learn what I want and don't want.
We both had similar goals, or rather, goals that we could grow in together and not go separate ways. We had a shared sense of humor. My weaknesses were her strengths and vice versa. And we have activities we love doing together and things we love doing alone. It's fucking great.
A major advantage of dating when you're closer to 30 is that, for most people, you're finally secure enough in your own identity to where you worry less about whether they like you and more about whether you like them.
If I had stopped to ask myself the latter question at 22, I would have saved myself the raging dumpster fire that was my first marriage because the answer was a resounding "No." My first wife was a horrible person with very little to like. But back then I didn't like "me" very much and I guess on some level I was afraid that no one else would either. Despite plenty of evidence to the contrary.
I think I got too secure in my own identity. Now I just feel like I'd be annoyed trying to incorporate most of the women I meet into my lifestyle (doesn't mean they're bad people, just not a good match for me). Every so often I meet someone I feel like would be a good fit but they're usually already in a relationship or not interested. At this point I'm just doing my own thing and if a relationship happens, I'll roll with it but until then I'm happy being single.
At this point I'm just doing my own thing and if a relationship happens, I'll roll with it but until then I'm happy being single.
This is important though. If you're happy with the way things are then that's totally fine.
I never expected to get into a relationship so soon after getting divorced. I didn't feel like I was ready. I just thought this lady at one of the other offices of the company I worked for was cute and decided to chat her up.
She caught me off guard when she asked me out. I had to be straight with her so I told her that I had recently gotten divorced and I wasn't looking for anything serious but if she wanted to hang out, I would like that. She was actually ok with it. That was six years (married four), and two kids ago. She is an awesome lady and I am one very lucky guy.
I would have rather remained single for the rest of my life than have to live through a bad marriage again. It's better to be alone than to wish you were alone. At that point in my life, I was happy being single. But I like where I am now too and I'm happy things worked out the way they did.
Funny, I've been almost as social as Mowgli for most of my life till about now (27), but feel as if I understood what you're saying.
Mowgli was a pretty social guy, felt comfortable walking around in his undies with friends and strangers alike
Yeah, there was an imbalance in his social interactions
Can't really relate, because I am only 24yo. Rant incoming;
Though I am sort of reluctant to try dating. In the past, I tried dating apps but they yielded no results. The women I matched with all ghosted me. Really did a number on my self-esteem. Who knows? Maybe I've got the face for radio?
And in all honesty, it feels like I've got to abide by ridiculous standards. The likes of being buff and tall, owning a car and house, a 6-figure salary, etc. I am still studying and trying to get my bachelor degree. All of these requirements put a ton of pressure on me. Is every woman looking for that? Of course not—that's not what I am implying. But from my personal experience it's certainly starting to feel that way.
Not surprised why redpill content is booming. They're not right, but there is truth to be found in some of their statements. In the end, I do introspection to identify my flaws and improve on myself. Nevertheless, even by doing all of that it feels like it's never enough.
There are so many benign reasons you can reject someone.
Maybe you just deleted the app because you're done with trying for now.
Maybe you like someone but move on because things just got serious someone else you found first.
Maybe you like someone but there's some dealbreaker like distance or having kids or something else random they have a bias about.
Maybe you reject someone without thinking there's anything wrong with them, you just don't feel compatible.
And yeah some people will reject you because you're not rich or your looks aren't perfect, that happens too, but only a small percentage of people are rich or look perfect, you just have to make peace with not being that. Just about everyone else is in the same boat.
Don't let incel types cause you to shape your impression of why you're being rejected and turn it into a reason to hate a whole gender. Some of them have shitty standards, sure, but don't turn it into a rule about them. That leads to a downward spiral.
Don't let incel types cause you to shape your impression of why you're being rejected and turn it into a reason to hate a whole gender. Some of them have shitty standards, sure, but don't turn it into a rule about them. That leads to a downward spiral.
Absolutely, I agree. What I was trying to convey is that to me it never feels like I am enough. I know rejection is part of the game. However, it does hit hard—it affects my self-esteem. That is my problem and I need to work on that.
Still, I think you can agree there is a lot of competition going on. It's axiomatic that there are more men on dating apps than women. That leaves me at a disadvantage. To make matters worse, these apps are designed to judge someone based on looks. I am pretty fit, though nowhere near extremely strong. Just plain average.
I don't blame women for choosing the top percent of men on these apps (if the roles were reversed I would've likely done the same). Yet for someone the likes of me the only winning move is not to play.
Also, I am no misogynist. I don't abhor women for being rejected. They don't owe me anything. That is not to say that I don't find the process of finding a love companion difficult.
Wish you a wonderful Happy New Year bud!
Absolutely, I agree. What I was trying to convey is that to me it never feels like I am enough.
I hear you. I absolutely hated most of my twenties and teen years due to loneliness. But, it's important to remember that online dating platforms are pure garbage. They are run by business people with business goals, not to actually help people connect and find lasting relationships - that loses them customers. Not to mention the vapid, shallow culture that has been cultivate, by those running them. The number of bots and plain awful people that you are lucky to avoid is ridiculously high because many are little more than scams to extract money from lonely guys.
I know rejection is part of the game.
That's part of the beauty of being a human that these companies desperately try to hide. We have the choice to not play the bullshit games. It makes life much nicer.
However, it does hit hard—it affects my self-esteem. That is my problem and I need to work on that.
I know this experily. You are a worthwhile human being, and deserve love and happiness. Sure, I'm just some random dude on the internet and you have no reason to believe anything that I type or the sincerity on my words but, it's true.
So much of what is pushed in modern culture is done so just for the sake of making people miserable so that they buy more bullshit. Rom-coms are the fucking worst (though I do still enjoy them occassionally). Everything in them surrounding masculinity and courtship is pure dysfunctional, toxic drek.
Want a functional, loving relationship that will last? Find someone who is compatible and has shared interests. If you are not driven by competition and conquest, don't "chase" someone who doesn't show interest - it's a waste of your time and will probably make them uncomfortable. If you are, get your peacocking and fashion game on-point.There is no one way of finding a good partner except for being your best you and ignoring 99% of pop culture romance.
Hone yourself into the version of you that you most want to be and the people who appreciate that find your traits, interests, and personality attractive will likely come into your life as a natural consequence of your actions.
All the best for a very happy New Year. Keep rocking and being your badass self.
Thank you for the lovely words. Really appreciate it! Sympathehic people like you are the true heroes without capes.
Everything you said resonated with me. This world is messed up, though we ought to be careful to let it define us. After all, we dictate our lives. I'll continue my quest of finding a lasting, functional, loving relationship.
Wish you a splendid New Year!
I'm glad that I could be of help. One recommendation that I would have is to reframe that from a quest into something more of a journey. Yes, it is what you desire but, from personal experience, treating it as a central goal in life can make it easy to miss the forest for the trees, risk staying in poor matches, and may make it more of a challenge to find a compatible partner.
For the first to, you may overlook or be overlooked by potential matches due to focusing on the idealized goal. This also means potentially getting caught in a poor or potentially abusive relationship for lack of seeing that things could be better. Additionally, successful relationships take interpersonal skills and self-knowledge that are hard to develop without experience - think of the proverb of two potters, one spending a year, making the best pot that they can, the other spending a month on each pot. The second potter will likely end up more skilled and making a better pot due to the learnings of multiple failures over the year. It's similar with any skill in reality; trying and failing with relationships is a good thing because it gives you more data to work with.
Finally, try to think about what things may be like from the perspective of a potential partner. Would you want to be with someone whose life goals were "be in a relationship" or someone who wants to invent something, or see places seldom seen by others, or contribute to the understanding of the natural universe, or play music and make friends in the local community, or help neglected animals, or have a blast painting tiny monster figurines. Trying to be the you that you want to be and is in line with your interests and ideals will make you more interesting to others, including potential relationship partners.
It's easy for nerdy guys to get caught up in things and fall into traps of despair and loneliness - I know from experience, which is why I try to lend support and advice to others. But, being nerdy is also a bit of an advantage, despite pop culture overtures to the contrary. Being interested in unusual thing can make you interesting.
Yeah, it is rough, but keep in mind dating is hard for most people so it's less of a you problem than your brain want to make it feel like.
And don't think of it as being a "top" person or not. It's healthier and more accurate to think of it as compatibility. There's not a linear scale of people. When someone's interested in you (for the right reason) it's because you work together as people, not because you're the best person they can get and vice versa.
You're not misogynistic, but watch out for the people who try to portray dating as more adversarial than it is so they can profit from amplifying our insecurities.
The problem with dating apps is about the app themselves mostly. They promote shitty behaviours.
When you're ghosted, it çan be from 3 reasons: you're actually ghosted ; the person is no more on the app ; the person didn't really looked at your profile, or it has too many matches.
It is very hard on self esteem and on your appreciation of the other sex.
Dating apps are crap. You literally have a higher success rate walking up to a random person at a bar than with a first message on Tinder. They could be a good tool, but we live in capitalism so they are made to extract as much profit as possible, even if that means promoting toxic, mental-health-crushing behaviours.
It's important to understand that being on dating apps is not the same as dating in real life. We often see people in more superficial ways on apps and judge them in a way we wouldn't necessarily do in real life.
Women looking at men that way in dating apps is definitely a reflection on how they do in real life but it's amplified quite a bit.
Men are the same. How many times have you swiped left on a girl just because you didn't think she was attractive? She seemed really cool and like someone you'd get along with but she just wasn't attractive.
This again is a reflection on how men view women in real life but amplified. In real life you wouldn't be that harsh.
It's important to stay grounded and remember that everyone is just a stupid human who thinks they know what they want and may put high expectations on someone but often doesn't take a moment to think 'Am I all that though?'
How many times have you swiped left on a girl just because you didn't think she was attractive?
Zero times. Always swiped right to increase my chance of getting matches. Didn't use some hookup app the likes of Tinder either. Used OkCupid since I heard good stories of it at the time.
I am well aware I may be an outlier. I know other men certainly do swipe left.
Though I agree with your points. After all, we're all thinking like troglodytes at times. We set unrealistic expectations. Think social media skewed our views of what's realistic and what is not.
Well, right about online stuff. I would also have ridiculous standards if there were 10x more women than men. Just expand your social circle and eventually you'll meet normal people XD
Man, I can relate, I was in a bad way when I was 24. I was very lonely and dangerously far down the incel path (though nobody called it that then) before I snapped out of it.
What I wish I had understood then is just how vast the bredth of human experience is. It may be hard to imagine right now given experiences you've had, but there are a lot of women who would be into you if given the chance. I know this is true because women are people. Quite a few of them are into men, of those quite a few are available and also yearning for a connection, and of those quite a few still are into some of your interests and particularly like various traits that describe you.
Rejection can be hard, but it only means it's not just right just now for just her, not that there's anything wrong with you.
The problem with modern dating: you have to get a smell of them to find out if you're compatible or not. Any metric available online is only going to do way more to fuck up your chances than anything. If you want to find someone based on shared passions it's more than easy enough to just find them through going out there and being yourself. Easier said than done with alienation being at an all time high...
My problem is all my passions are things I do at home by myself.
Username checks out.
My sisters: "You're way too picky when it comes to dating!"
Also them: — date dudes with so many personal issues that it ends up driving them up the wall and disrupting their lives with obsessive neediness and constant insecurity —
Me: lol ok.
My standards aren't even that high. I just live in a shitty conservative town and don't feel like traveling 1 hour+ just to see a human that might just be trying to hookup even though I clearly say that's not at all what I'm interested in.
Just give me a stable dude who can communicate well, is secure in their sexuality, doesn't have a criminal record, likes Stardew Valley, lizards, and is cool with stuffed animals, and I'll give it a shot.
As I near 50 my plan if I ever have to date again is just to wear a pin with my age and "single" on it and if anyone wants to know more they can ask.