Programmer Humor

God, as a true scrummaster - one who believes in actual scrum - where the devs make the rules - not management.. this hurts. This hurts so goddamn much.

• 4 hour planning? PMs shit the bed.
• Story points = hours? Micromanagement
• Estimate with that much accuracy? Micromanagement who are also terrible with managing their own schedules.
• It's a simple task. - How would any business person know how long or expensive a dev task is.

And on and on, and of course you all know this. The term "Agile" has been so bastardized from it's conception by management who think it's a micromanagement tool. It's quite literally the opposite. It's mean to put the power in the hands of the developers - so they can be efficient and keep management out of their way. Management just couldn't handle handing over a tiny bit of power though. Have to break the fundamental pillars of agile, like dictating what a point is, or how long things should take. Ugh.

PO: "Why does it seem like it takes a really long time to develop new features?"

Dev: "I'm glad you asked! We've got this piece of code (points at smoldering pile of spaghetti) that literally has to be changed every time we do anything. The person who wrote it has been gone for like four years. No one knows how it works and it's central to the entire application. I would estimate that this easily doubles the time it takes to work each ticket. I've created a set of stories to rewrite this code. We just need your approval to bring it into an upcoming sprint."

PO: "Can't... Hear... Breaking... Up... Bad connection..."

Dev: "Uhhh... This isn't a Teams meeting. You're sitting in the room with us right now."

PO: ...

Dev: "We know you're still here even if you're not moving."

PO: ...

"Put all your changes on 3 separate sharepoint calendars a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. Also do the normal approval garbage in ServiceNow and attend a 2 hour CAB for final approval. If you didn't select the right dropdown menu option in the ticket details, you'll have to start this whole process over.

Also, why does it take you guys so long to get stuff done?"

who are these time wasters that just put bugs in their code. I mean come on.

Let's not forget "We need this right away!" then it takes weeks to deploy because the people who requested it weren't actually ready for it yet (if they don't change their mind and decide they don't actually want it at all).

It's actually not a crime to mercy kill and dispose of the body of anyone who says "Well, it's a simple task. Are you having difficulty?".

It's an obscure and weirdly specific law.

(This is a joke, of course.)

One of these is wage theft. Don't enable that shit.

”All features are xy problems”

”PM adds new features to the sprint faster than they’re solved”

”Each release require two weeks of testing”

”Each release introduces new bugs for customers despite the two weeks of testing”

We have the one hour daily meetings we call “standup” 🙄

Bikeshed? That's a new one for me.

“Shift left” by doing all the work yourself

Plan, design, code, test, debug, deploy, handle incidents, it’s all your job!

I just had a contractor tell me I needed to prioritize their request because it's urgent for the task they're working on that's adding a new feature.

they want me to push the changes out by EOD....today.....Friday.

I don't like to do this, but I hold seniority....sooo....I think I'm going to take a three hour long lunch and cut out for the weekend early.

don't come to me with a request unless it's actually urgent.

Special prize for blackout?

A pizza party from 12-12:30, perhaps?

The "Story Points = Hours" hits so goddamn hard. Like, tell me you don't fucking understand scrum without telling me you don't understand scrum.

We had a nice, effective production process on my team until a middle manager assigned to communicate with us started in with the whole "We can't spare this many points" bullshit.

I would share this with my dev team

But the teams "scrum guide" and "product owner support" are on the chat and it would get my ass fired

Does 5 time trackers count as 5 points ?

Couldn't even make the effort to figure out how many rows and columns a bingo card has...

If story points are now hours, I hope you're fine with me putting a 40 on that ticket.

4 hour planning

I've seen projects where this was comically too high. But a lot more where it was horrifyingly agonizingly too low.

"Its not in the budget to apply security patches this quarter"

Unpaid overtime = work is just not going to be done.

When I started working for my current company there were really few meetings and I didn't know that it was possible. Everywhere I worked we had all the Scrum meetings and tech discussions meetings. At that time it was relatively a small company but not that small.

Now the company is getting bigger and some persons try to bring all the scrum shit. Even for small features, we do meetings to discuss them and last for hours. Some meetings have a big agenda that we always only tackle half of it. Sometimes we decide to do something with big impact and then someone suggests to include a person from another that doesn't even know our scope. And then we get "maybe we shouldn't do this as it will maybe have some negative impacts", "maybe we should add an exception" without even giving data to support their claim.

Story points = hours