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Sounds like you need some self love! Don't beat yourself up if you think someone isn't going to like you because you're goofy.
At the end of the day, the people you surround yourself with should be people who love you for who you are, not who you pretend to be.
You're probably the most normal person in this thread lol
Maybe I didn’t explain myself. The people I should be most comfortable around, i can’t bring myself to talk to them or be myself. But newer friends/girlfriends see me as however I am. But my family, long term partners and oldest friends? Just see me sanded down, zero personality. I feel like that’s the opposite of normal, from everything ive seen. It’s destroyed all of my long term relationships.
Maybe it's sort of like an addiction to the honeymoon phase? When the excitement wears off, you equate it with the relationship dying. Just guessing.
I'm not sure I follow entirely. Is it possible you're calling the high of adrenaline/new relationship energy "the real you" and once that wears off you're not "yourself?"
Couldn't it be that you, like all people, are more outgoing at some times than others? And it's all the real you?