this post was submitted on 21 Jan 2025
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I think Postgres could win the MisSql pageant
Snowflake and DuckDB would be up there doing 10 different talents, then Postgres would just stand there and say “uh huh, I do that too” to thunderous applause!
SQLite would win the swimsuit competition but then struggle with concurrent writes during talent show and get disqualified. The judges would always get its name wrong.
Big query would get caught copying Snowflake and bribing the judges. Presto/Trino would require a full team to get dressed for the costume contest and miss the event.
MySQL wouldn’t win any single event, but would get high scores all around for unknown reasons.
MongoDB would be at the front desk trying to convince the judges to let it enter, and while doing that would accidentally drop a suitcase filled with business and government secrets.
Oracle’s PR machine & dark money.
Let's not lie to ourselves now. The winner would probably be a SQLite flat file serialized into a postgres text column.
There are a lot of companies running XAMP / LAMP stacks, for some reason.
But haven't you heard? It's webscale!
and db2 wouldn't even be invited to compete. lol