and the first thing they tell us is “don’t worry, the data’s fine”, rather than anything about the human.
I do agree it would have been significantly more considerate to mention that the person is ok first, but I feel like you're confusing data storage (ie something they're collecting) with data processing (ie how the device operates). The data in question is the latter. In other words, they are explaining that the problems are being accounted for so that the device can still function in the human it's attached to.
For the rest of the box, break the bars in half (while still in the wrapper) and eat the two top halves for the equivalent of one bar. The you can wrap up the remaining halves more securely.