Ask Lemmy

Not sure to understand the question? How could you not know?

If you're thinking about finding the 'perfect' partner, forget about that. It's a lie. It's something fabricated to sell ads, page views and subscriptions to shitty services. Nobody (including you and me), nobody is perfect. So, no relationship can be perfect.

My spouse and I have been together for 25+ years and counting. It was quite obvious very early on we're fitting together nicely but that was far from being a perfect match and we had a few rough times and, all those years later, we can still have. But we've quickly realized how lucky we were to have found each other, and we valued that enough to get over any difficulty or hardship. And we still do.

So, to me that's a 'right relationship', just not 'the' right one as we could as easily have both been as happy with someone else if things had been different ;)

I think there are many people in the world a given person is compatible with. However, those relationships will be right in different ways.

A relationship is wrong if you can't communicate openly or you feel like they are trampling over your personality.

Confucius say:

"Relationships are like fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit"

right one could probably be boiled down to:

heavy oversimplification warning

if anyone involved has their set of values / demands / needs met / heard / respected, with some room to

push each other forward — not like climbing the everest everyday, more of learning how to take smooth turns

grow — enjoy the things you enjoy, learn the skill you are learning, read the thing you want to read, self-discoveries, sharing experiences from your journeys

fail — nothing better forming in a relationship than some of those simple human fuckups sprinkled on top, especially valuable if the side doing the fucking up can do the cleaning up part too, or at least is learning (or willing to learn) how to do it.

quality time together — the more easily it happens, the better, but this takes time to learn and polish

bonus: one of the greatest indicators about what type of a person is on your side is how they react to your tiny wins and small joys. If they jump on board and enjoy them with you — that’s one of the healthiest indicators of long term relationship potentials. You like flowers, they will smile almost any time you enjoy gardening or talking about that one beautiful one you saw the other day. They like painting, you will just feel great seeing them covered with paint..

and so on — “I am team you” approach can get you through a lot, not everything automagically, but most of the obstacles down the road.

wrong one? Oh, we don’t have enough space on the internet to write all that down.

bonus: besides some heavily narcissistic or sociopathic partners, having the “is it working? / is it the right person?” thought process / verification is really great and often indicates that it is time for you, someone or everyone involved to grow a little, or a lot..

or sometimes just brings even more appreciation for the partner

The wrong relationship one is a tricky thing to answer

For me, it has always been when the happiness they bring during the good times isn't worth the pain of the bad

When it's right, it's impossible to pin down

I have the most amazing fiancée in the world.

I've been married for many years, I've had other serious relationships

This woman is everything to me. Colours are brighter, food tastes better, flowers, sunrises, mountain views and all the other beautiful things are more wonderful because of her

It's like I was seeing the world with a dimmer before she came into my life

That's why I know she is right for me

Celebrating your 20th anniversary is a good indicator of the right relationship.

Red Flags and Green Flags.

Really, it's all about compatability.

One of the big red flags is how your partner treats "the help". Do they acknowledge the receptionists? The wait staff? Do they tip well?

If they're a complete asshole, and you aren't, that's a sign it's never going to work.

OTOH - if you're BOTH assholes, you'll probably get along fine, everyone else is spitting in your food, but together you'll be fine.

Do you trust them? Can you talk about anything with them? Is the sex good? Can you be honest to eachother? Are you happy?

If all are yes, you are in the right relationship.

If you feel alone in your head, ask yourself whether the issue is that you don't feel heard by your partner, or if you don't share enough with your partner

I'll keep it as simple as possible: How do you feel? Not minute to minute, but, overall. Like that quote from Maya Angelou that says, "people forget what you said, people forget what you did, but they always remember how you made them feel". If looking back on a relationship you realize you have too much heartache, that's the wrong relationship.

Wrong is a bit hard for me, maybe because "every happy couple is the same, while every unhappy one is unhappy in their own unique way" (para-quote from Tolstoy I think).

To me, I know what I have is right because I honestly feel like every joy we share is doubled, while every problem we share is halved. It's a cliche, but I honestly mean it. When I'm happy with her, it makes me twice as happy just to see that she is happy. I honestly feel like the greatest joy in the world to me is to see her be happy. Likewise, if something is wrong, I want to help her in a way I've never experienced with anyone else, and can feel in my whole body that we're in this together.

This doesn't mean that we never get mad at each other, but when we do, we've always ended up remembering that, at the end of the day, we're the most important thing in the world to each other. Whatever issues we've had, we're in it together to solve them.

To round off with Tolstoy: I guess "wrong" would be if any of the above didn't apply for whatever reason, that reason being unique in every case.

The people around you likely have a better understanding of it than you do. I’d argue that, deep down, you do know - but you don’t want to believe it if it feels like you’re not. Then a year after the breakup, you realize that you did, in fact, know all along.

Also keep in mind that "the right person" doesn't exist. Everyone has their flaws. It's a matter of what you're willing to deal with.

Are you happy?