Ask Lemmy

Please approach women in public. It's okay.

My husband asked very politely for my number when I was a cashier. He said "Excuse me miss, may I have your number, id love to take you out sometime to get to know you."

It's okay to approach and have normal conversations with women that you don't have business or school commonalities with. Even if you think you may have interest to eventually escalate it into dating. Just be genuine and don't try to be someone you're not. But once you make that attempt to date, if they say no, accept that no and don't try again unless it's blatantly obvious they've changed their mind.

I'll just say you probably shouldn't take dating advice from people who haven't done any dating for the last 30-40 years. The world has most certainly changed.

If I am not in a place hoping to strike up convo I would not like anyone coming up to me trying to do so. If I'm shopping or eating or getting my car some tires... the last thing I want is some stranger coming anywhere near me.

Were I at a bar or some social event then yes that'd be fine.

Just learn to talk to all people in social situations, and don't make it transactional.

The right people will just drop into your life naturally.

I'm forty, so a different generation than your parents, but I still grew up and had my first dating experiences before the internet. Online dating wasn't really a thing here until I was in my early twenties.

At least where I grew up the guys who randomly approached girls to ask them out were seen as creepy even back in the 90s. I and everyone I knew met partners through activities like sports clubs, parties, bars etc. (I'm not from the US, so people from my school started going to bars pretty early). While there wasn't a big discourse around men approaching women in public (or none that reached my little town), we did have some guys in town who'd just walk up to girls on the street and ask them out and the consensus was that they were weird and should be avoided.

I met all my partners so far through activities. My first boyfriend was a regular at the same student café and we ended up sitting next to each other during quiz night. I met guys I had dates with in uni - sitting next to each other during lectures and talking about the Prof, going to the same presentation or cooking night etc. None of them "approached me" in the sense of coming up to me and asking "can I have your number" with zero context. We chatted, had an interesting conversation. At the end we exchanged contact information to meet for a coffee, usually without any expectation of it being a date. When coffee went well, someone would ask the other out on a proper date. No approaching, no deciding within a few seconds wether you want to date someone. Just casually getting to know each other before asking for more.

I also met my husband that way. We went to the same event, talked, had a lot in common. We met the next day to continue a discussion about a certain topic we were both interested in. That's when things started getting flirty and by the end we made plans to meet for a real date. I don't even remember who asked whom, we were both heavily flirting with each by the time we talked about seeing each other again so it was very obvious the next meeting would be a date. He didn't ask me out out of nowhere or hit on me, we were just getting to know new people and eventually we started flirted somewhere along the line.

You might be out of touch, but it depends on what you mean about approaching people. For example, it's perfectly reasonable to talk to anyone at all for a wide variety of reasons, including things related to your hobbies or your jobs or simply because you're waiting for the bus. Conversation is generally a safe thing to do with other human beings. If you are specifically avoiding conversations with people because they are women, then I think you should rethink your position.

Maybe your parents are asking you to start flirting with people, which is totally different from simply talking to them. If that's the topic, then it makes sense to be somewhat more careful about the time and place.

If you wouldn't strike up a conversation with a guy, don't strike up a conversation with a woman. Be comfortable with conversations with strangers of whatever gender with no ulterior motive, and you'll meet more people.

If you meet more people, your likelihood of finding dates will increase as a side effect.

If you are only approaching women, particularly women you find attractive, in places that are not generally for that purpose (bars, parties, swingers clubs), then you're being a creep.

But regardless, it's better to have interests, pursue those interests, and meet people with similar interests. Because when you have interests, you might become interesting, and someone might become interested.

I think there's a lot of nuance that both sides of this are missing. There's a lot of middle ground between not talking to women out in the world at all, and going up to random girls and saying "nice shoes, wanna fuck?

You absolutely can approach people, strike up a conversation, maybe even hit it off and spin it into a friendship or romantic relationship.

I'm far from the guy to tell someone how to do that and try to pick apart the it's and outs of what makes some things ok and others not, but it is something that absolutely can be done.

This thread is not meant for autistic people.

"Yes you can talk to women in public, but also not flirt with them even though that's the obvious context of the post, but also there are some public places you can flirt with them that are somehow different from the other public places, and also it's fine in the places where it isn't."

I've come to the conclusion from this thread that the answer lies somewhere near "actually some women hate it and some women don't, and since the only way to find out which is which is by stepping on the landmine, you might as well flirt with anyone you want at wherever you see them, but do it politely and move on if she says no."

And in all honesty, yeah fuck it, I'm gonna. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, but being that the other option is "die alone and get eaten by my cats" I think it's just going to have to happen.

There's a difference between "approaching women" and "APPROACHING WOMEN."

You should be comfortable interacting with women in any environment simply because a) they are human beings and b) they're over 50% of the population.

You can't go outside and just never talk to women, that's actually creepier.

You don't have to be trying to pick someone up to, you know, treat them like a human being and talk to them.

would it be more liken to a place where its easier to talk to them, like a bar setting.

Do you talk to men you don't know in public? Small talk, or jokes at a bar? In the grocery store? Why wouldn't you talk to women? I am a woman and have daughters and none of us is offended by this, nor even the hypersensitive one, not even the lesbian. It's friendly talk.

It's harassment if you don't stop when you get a rejection. It's harassment if you sidle up with some horrifying personal comment about her body, or grab her arm and make her listen. You aren't going to do any of that. Small talk is not harassment, flirting is not harassment.

You are right in one way - it was bad that guys used to be able to say anything with absolute impunity, and women couldn't stop them, I was around for the end of that. Those guys didn't treat women like people, but in a way, neither are you, right? We are just people, talk to us like people.

Your instincts are probably well placed. Obviously different people will have different preferences and reactions in this regard, but you're better off getting to know people in a friendly manner than just for the sake of finding a partner. Learning how to strike up conversations with strangers and leave them wanting for more is useful, but that's about all I'd say your parents are right about.

Some people enjoy casual chat with random people, and some people find it annoying. There's no right or wrong answer. It's definitely not the only way to meet romantic partners, though, especially these days.

Do you ever make small talk with men with whom “you don’t have business?”

I’m assuming yes, you probably do. Speaking with women is the same, just be sure to pick up on cues if they don’t want to speak. In fact, I’d advise you to practice by making small talk with everyone you can, with no agenda, and pay attention to their cues.

Yes and no. Now I'm not an expert womanizer by any means, but you kinda just gotta treat attractive women like regular people.

You can't just walk up to somebody and go "ooga booga, wanna go out?" It's gotta be a little casual. So you're kind of right. But to go as far as to say you can't strike up conversation with somebody will be insane.

Now am I going to strike up a conversation with an attractive woman? Nah I'm go pussyshit to do anything, I'll partake in my recreational activities and hope for the best, at least I'll die doing what I like.

Instead of making a move or straight up asking the out on a date. Just strike up a convo. You can really tell when someone doesn't want to push a conversation. Maybe they find you attractive and keep the conversation going?

If you want to cold approach, go to the club.

Basically, you're right and thank you for acting that way. Your parents are wrong.

This could depend where you are from. I'm from France and a bit of chit-chat with a stranger is not a bad thing to me. But if a male stranger try a bit too hard to stir up a conversation, I would feel ackward, mostly because I'll "fear" they are trying to hit on me, which is not okay for a stranger to do out of nowhere.

But at the same time if you try to make friend with more women, maybe one day, you'll find a partner in one of them. If you genuinly try to make connection with a woman in a non-sexual and non-romantical way and after sometime, you feel like having another kind of relation, it is totally different and not creepy at all.