Ask Lemmy

People who talk endlessly without even asking about your own thoughts or experiences are red flagged. Sometimes i'm guilty of talking a lot about something I'm excited about, but at some point I ask people what they've been doing at least. I do the thing of sharing common experiences like "oh something like that happened to me too!" but it's meant to show empathy, not provide an opportunity to change the subject to myself. I think this is something people learn with self awareness.

I had a girlfriend who when I had known casually for years before we got together. We met up at a Dunkin Donuts one time and she literally talked about herself for 2:45 and I barely got a single word in. I was "wtf is with her, like Adderal overload?" and she asked if I wanted to hang out afterwards and i was uh... I have to finish what I'm doing and move this stuff out of state, sorry... I ended up moving in with her 6 years later and it turned out no, she wasn't on amphetamines, she is just a really self-unaware narcissist. My advice is that if you hang out with someone and it's exhausting and you leave feeling worse, don't hang out with them.

It's often very difficult to see the obvious answer when we're living in the conditions ourselves.

However I think it's pretty obvious from your description, that you're not feeling rewarded, and your needs aren't being met in this relationship.

So yes, prioritize your own needs, and limit contact with them. Not in an angry way, but accept that they don't seem to have any interest in your life, and it hurts you, but it's true. Honor yourself.

If you usually leave interactions with them feeling drained and left out I think that’s a good enough reason to un-prioritize them. Friends are supposed to make you feel seen and valued (at least a reasonable percentage of the time).

They sound a bit self centered and oblivious if this is a regular pattern—sounds like it is.

Friendships where you typically each talk approximately equally and typically come away feeling some combination of energized, happy, cared about, and inspired are the ones to keep and prioritize over the kind you describe.

Never start with cutting people off. First off, you need to tell them what you’re seeing and feeling. Don’t throw a friendship away before doing that.

I will say that it’s pretty normal for two friends talking about one friend’s trip to spend most of the conversation on that trip.

But they really should be making an effort to turn it back around and ask about you.

Tell them first. Tell them you’d like to feel more reciprocal interest, and they can show it by making space for your story in the conversation.

It’s awkward to discuss such things; ideally it just works. But we’re far beyond the point where human socializing will “just work”. It’s better to have a friendship with moments of awkwardness than no friendship at all.

So tell them, and fix it together, and keep your friendship.

Seems the comments here are validating how you feel, and I agree. Just want to add that it might be good to talk to them openly about how you feel, and make an effort to understand how they feel too.

Expressing how you feel is good for you and may be an important opportunity for them to change their behavior. If they respond and actually change, great! If not, maybe time to limit the relationship. Communication is good.

If you haven’t tried talking to them about it, it could help. It’ll probably be an awkward conversation, but maybe it’ll work out for the best.

I feel exhausted and defeated after we get together. Is it time to limit my friendship with them?

The rest of your post isn't relevant. These two sentences say it all. If you're not enjoying the friendship, if it's taxing, then step away. It doesn't, and shouldn't, need to be some big dramatic thing. Just be busy when they try and make plans, or only accept half as often.

Friends should be people you look forward to spending time with. If they aren't that, move on.