Wisely
this post was submitted on 29 Dec 2023
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Mayotard
This is the way.
Mayo.
Mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo. I'd eat mayo flavored icecream if only the frozen dairy industry weren't so cowardly
Rarely/never ketchup. I only eat that stuff if a friend or someone already put it on a plate/dish being served to me without asking first.
Mayo & mustard are both awesome depending on what they're being put on. And sometimes they team up & can be used together e.g. they work well together in tuna.
PS - You should throw butter in the competition, a lot of people would vote for that over mayo :)
On what?
Depends entirely on what I'm putting it on
All of these have more variety and nuance then you might think, at least based on what major US grocers carry.
Mustard comes in a ton of varieties, from smooth to course to whole-grain, or with extra flavors like horseradish or cayenne or champagne. I've even heard of bourbon and curry mustards.
Ketchup too is an entire category and not beholden to tomatoes. You can use all kinds of fruits like mango or golden berries as your base, add sauteed garlic and onions, then blend it up with some brown sugar and vinegar for a mighty fine condiment.
And homemade mayonnaise is just on another level. It's pretty simple to make, but it doesn't stay fresh long. Otherwise try the Polish Winiary brand, it's 90% as good, especially on something like sweet potato fries. Mayo is also the basis for aoli and nearly every picnic/potluck "salad" (e.g. potato salad, broccoli bacon salad, etc). Stop buying the Kraft and Hellman's crap, those are mostly flavorless soybean oil.
What are we eating?
A 75/25 Ranch/Sriracha aioli
Depends what it's on, they're completely non-interchangeable.
Probably mayo, but I need to know on what.
Mayo, duh
For a murder weapon? Ketchup, I'd freeze it into a knife and then escape while everyone thinks the blood is just more ketchup.
Mayo, mustard, and ketchup
Do I get to know what I’m choosing it for?
Mayo is best for creating a slippery surface. Mustard stings the most in the eyes, and ketchup allows me to play dead by mimicking blood.
So I need to know the context to know what kind of Jason Bourne scenario my condiment is for.
Mustard obviously. It's objectively the least disgusting and has the most use cases.
Desert island? Mayo. I mean it's damned near a complete food.
All three on my burger, please.
Both at the same time