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How can I let go of the anger and sadness towards my father? (lemmy.ml)

submitted 1 day ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

24 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I haven't spoken to my father in almost two years, and it’s been a painful and complicated journey. One of the pivotal moments for me was on my wedding day. I didn’t receive any message from him—not even a simple acknowledgment. I had hoped to hear from him, and his silence cut deeply, making me realize how distant we had become.

I feel a lot of anger and sadness because it seems like we will never have the relationship I’ve always wanted. I long for a connection where he takes interest in my life and my choices, even when they differ from his own. Instead, I often feel dismissed or disregarded, especially when it comes to my boundaries. For example, whenever politics comes up, I feel disrespected because he tends to push against the limits I’ve tried to set.

There's also a significant element of fear in our dynamic. I worry that if I attempt to rebuild our relationship, he might use his financial resources as a means of control over me and my family. This fear makes it hard for me to see a path forward that feels safe and genuine.

Right now, I’m in a space where I’m trying to determine IF or how I want to re-establish any sort of relationship with him. I want to find out if it’s possible for us to interact in a way that respects each other’s boundaries, takes a real interest in one another’s lives, and supports each other’s choices—even when we disagree. It’s a difficult and ongoing process, but I’m trying to be honest with myself about what I need and what I’m willing to work towards.

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[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Everyone's situation is different but I also have a strained relationship with my father that has lead to the tough decision for me to go low contact with him and give up on having a relationship for the foreseeable future.

I don't know if this will help you but it helped me so feel free to take/leave as you like. I think the first thing you need to do if you haven't already is figure out what you want the boundaries of your relationship to be and the conditions for re-engagement to help prevent him from hurting you again. Could be something simple like no financial assistance or expensive gifts, acknowledgement that the silence at your wedding hurt you, that kind of thing.

If he agrees to these then you can cautiously establish a relationship while making sure you enforce your boundaries. If he doesn't co-operate or dismisses your needs, then it's going to be very hard to have a relationship with him, you will get hurt. In that case I think your best option is to accept that you can't have the type of relationship with him that you want, and allow yourself to grieve that loss.

As a disclaimer, I'm not a professional. Professional advice really helped me but this was still a multi year painful journey for me. Good luck and I really hope you can move forward and find peace with the situation however it turns out and don't be afraid to lean on your support networks.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 day ago

Thanks for your empathy and understanding.

I try to talk about this in therapy but I still seem stuck. I wake up in the middle of the night angry, sad, and crying.

Even trying to set boundaries and communicate them to him leads me to rage and sadness. For years I didn't recognize that when I've spent any time with him it usually takes several days to come back to being fully regulated. I could probably recover faster now that I've been to therapy, but I'm frozen in fear that he'll try to use his wealth to try to control me and the decisions I make for my family.