stelelor

Straw hat, stylish and functional.

I'm a public servant, so while it's easy to tell people I work for The Government, it's a lot harder to explain what I do. My job is a mish-mash of like three different roles in one of the least popular departments. When people ask, I say I work for (our version of) the DMV, and that's usually good enough.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out the difference between these icons:

Congrats on getting the job!

No regrets. The dream was unrealistic; the path to it filled with shitty pay, shitty people, and shitty tasks - all for a 0.001% chance of success. I realized I preferred having a normal life and enjoyed my youth instead. My current life is more enjoyable than chasing the dream ever was.

No more Pauli exclusion principle. I'm not smart enough to describe what that world would look like... which is exactly why I would do it.

It's a close call between kidney stone (the initial dislodgement from the kidney into the urether) and labour... Kidney stone wins because it had the element of surprise, extremely rapid escalation (0 to 100 in less than 10 minutes), and unlike labour contractions it just. kept. going nonstop until I got those sweet sweet IV drugs.

"And there's a funny thing about honesty; there's no two ways about it."

This quote from Lassie Come-Home comes up whenever I'm not sure if I should be honest about something bad that I've done. It's a pretty good motto.

That, and "Smile, tomorrow will be worse."

Never be afraid of paramedics, they aren't there to rat you out. They just want to know what they need to do to make you better/not worse. They hate paperwork as much as anyone, and a dead patient is a ton of paperwork.

But back before medication, that frustration would just stick in my brain.

Yes! Exactly that. What you call emotional stickiness I call spiralling. Before meds, once something upset me it was nearly impossible to stop. That minor annoyance made me feel anxious and upset, which in turn reminded me of other times I felt that way, and it all amplified.

I'm glad you're in a better place. Remember, if you can't make your own neurotransmitters, store-bought are fine. 👍

I take fluoxetine. It doesn't have an immediate physical effect like Tylenol, Gravol, and the like. The effect builds up with time. I would describe it as feeling like "quiet". Fluoxetine gave me the ability to quiet bad thoughts. From there, I had more stability to climb out from the pit of despair and anxiety.

The first few days (maybe two weeks or so) after starting, I slept a lot. Where I used to go to bed at 11:30pm and wake up at 5am, I was now out like a light at 8pm. My brain was finally quiet, so I could feel my body's exhaustion.

The next thing I noticed is that I was able to let small annoyances slide. I used to be triggered by stuff like someone playing music too loudly in the bus. Instead of hyperfixating on that sound and ruminating for the entire bus ride, I could now let it fade in the background and think of something else.

After a few weeks, I noticed less crying, less blowing up at my partner, and less panic spirals. That time and energy I could now put into other stuff: chores, hobbies, socializing. I wanted to be happy and I felt empowered to make it happen, rather than at the whim of the exterior world.

While fluoxetine greatly diminished my lows, it also muted my highs. In my manic-ish days I felt "happy" for hours, and often hypersexual. Now my happiness was different, like... instead of going on fun rollercoasters and having my heart race, I was now sitting in a cozy armchair with a cup of tea and a snack, and my heart was peaceful. I do have a lower libido, which is tough on my partner. (OTOH I now contribute a lot more to household tasks, so it events out lol.) I do miss the euphoria I used to be able to feel, but I don't wish it back because I know the price I had to pay for it.

I like mine (duh) but also switch it up on different platforms. I'm much more averse to being recognized on the internet now.