I suspect you would enjoy the story of Furbeowulf.
http://www.trygve.com/furbeowulf.html
That page is old enough that it doesn't seem to support HTTPS. If your browser automatically converts HTTP to HTTPS, you're going to get a warning about an insecure connection. Here's a wayback machine link that supports a secure connection:
https://web.archive.org/web/20230503215715/http://www.trygve.com/furbeowulf.html
Hephaestus seems the most likely to leave me alone. The gods are so capricious that I'd prefer to not have their attention.
It can't be used with ProtonVPN (I assume) but I use NoRoot Firewall for exactly this purpose. It works by setting up a VPN and letting you enable / disable network access for each app, including system apps. It can also block on just WiFi or just cell data or both or neither. It blocks all apps by default until you configure their access. You can also setup more advanced rules for all apps or just some apps. For instance, you can set it where an app can contact AppCompany.com but not Google.com
Several bodily functions that involve expelling fluids feel good in moderation. Pooping, peeing, sneezing, even vomiting can be nice if it's the kind that makes you feel so much better afterwards. Try doing any of those several times in a row or once for a very long time, though, and it overtaxes you body and starts to hurt. There was even a paper I read (and just went and found it again) that studied the time it takes for the pleasure to turn to displeasure through repetition or duration.
Edited with explanation and alternate link.