beliquititious

Most of all, lonely. My situation is rough. I'm a trans woman (some passing privilege), almost 40, and staying with center-right family in East Texas because I haven't been able to work in two years due to mental illness. I have a very difficult time making and keep friends and the family I'm staying with doesn't understand why I'm upset, doesn't care, and think I'm overreacting (They are superficially supportive about me being trans, but also voted for this). I was going to therapy for a while, but I had to discontinue it because I couldn't afford it any more. The only thing keeping me going is that for the last few years I've been able to feel more comfortable in my own skin, thanks to HRT.

I really don't want to go through whatever the Republicans have in store for trans people in red states alone. The thing I am most afraid of is them banning HRT for adults (it's already banned for kids). I've been on e since 2018. If everything were going great for me losing access to my medication would be a horrifying and soul crushing ordeal, I doubt I'll survive it with how my life is now.

This last week I've been almost completely non-functional. I've been alternating between uncontrollable sobbing, hours long panic attacks, furious rage, and making half-crazed, poorly thought out Lemmy and Reddit comments.

tl;dr: not great.

It is! Or at least what a previous therapist thought.

Boredom is a lot more dangerous and potentially disastrous than most people realize, but it's definitely not my only problem. I struggle with some mental health issues that make most things a lot harder for me than many other people.

I was tested as a child and had an iq of 164 at 10 years old. For my entire childhood every adult treated me like I was smarter than them and in most cases I was. I was in gifted and accelerated classes and excelled.

I know I'm not smart because from the headstart in life I got I went on to barely graduate from high school, drop out of community college twice, never hold a job for longer than 18 months, and have more gaps on my resume than experience.

New Zealand I've never been and know little about the day to day life of a new zealander, but it looks so beautiful and quiet there.

For some women that would be a turn off for a romantic partner, yes. You don't have to plan a future with everyone you have sex with. There are plenty of women who want something casual and low attachment and would not be bothered at all by anything you mentioned.

Women are not a monolith. Each one of us is different and have different wants, needs, and desires. Don't let the bullsh!t about you not being desirable stop you from trying. Rejection sucks, but never trying is much worse.

I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's not true. All you're missing is self-confidence and self-worth. It may not feel like it, but you are worthy of love and validation. Love yourself because you are alive and trying.

It's not easy, especially if you've built up a lot of myths about how you're broken or unlovable. Find the things you like about yourself and go from there. All you have to do is keep trying.

The sensations of sex vary significantly between individuals. I could tell you what my experience of sex is like, but depending on your specific body, it might feel wholly different. The only way you're going to be able to satisfy that curiosity is to engage in the activity yourself.

Don't give up on finding out for yourself if it's important to you. I didn't have sex with someone else until I was 29 and then spent my early 30's making up for lost time.

For me, I was my own worst enemy. I believe that I was unlovable and unattractive (and also had some queer identify related complicating factors). I thought that sex and intimacy were transactional and that in order to find someone interested in having sex with me required me to be a person I was not. The error in my thinking was that sex was a goal, rather than a side effect of building meaningful connections with other humans.

Your mileage may vary though.

Enlightenment: calling meetings yourself because nothing you do matters and getting paid to listen to assholes talk isn't the worst way to pay rent.

Protonmail is great, it comes with cloud storage, a really good password manager, and a very fast VPN. The linux experience is mid for their apps, but great on MacOS or Windows.

Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.

They did it on purpose and ended up conning me out of a few hundred bucks I didn't have to lose.