There are plenty of respectful debates about trans issues, and tolerance of people genuinely not understanding queer topics. What cannot be debated respectfully is whatever or not to respect a person"s identity. No amount of polite language can make such a conversation respectful, as you're refusing to do the bare minimum required to speak to that person as an equal.
Creating a tolerant space requires not tolerating intolerance. This is not an authoritarian insight, but one centered on maximizing the freedom of everyone. If you demand a space where you can debate a basic fact about myself, then that is not a space in which I am free.
Again, are you respecting someone's identity? I don't care what you think you're doing; if you aren't recognizing a person as the person they are, then the conclusion is that you're mistreating someone. The world isn't a place where your self perceptions overwrite the person you actually are.