I know you are looking for new but I know in my ThinkPad T480 the wireless card can be easily removed. It's not that old, 2018. Still runs modern Linux wonderfully...and is well supported. It would be more than enough to do what you wanted. EBay is a good place to find them.
KrapKake
Dude I know you get down voted a lot but you are probably my most favorite person on this platform. Always love to come across a Lost My Mind comment. Never know what to expect but im probably going to fucking laugh.
It used to be that they would not leave packages unattended at a residence, they would leave a note on the door about an attempted delivery. I suppose with the rise of online shopping things had to change. I don't see American delivery companies bothering with trying to contact you/retrying deliveries, they just want to get out as many packages as possible... and there is a LOT they have to deliver in a day.
You do have a lot of choices in how you want your items delivered depending on the delivery company. Most of the have apps/websites where you can choose to have them hold the package, or deliver it to a specific location on property. By default packages will be left at the door.
Personally I have never had a problem with porch pirates, and if a package is expensive or important I will have the delivery company hold it and pick it up there.
Didn't see it mentioned here but check out Keep Alive.
Where do find such bootlickers?
I cried when my Tamagotchi "pet" died.
"His legal campaign against removal began after he was arrested in a dramatic FBI raid on his Auckland mansion in 2012."
Wild how the FBI can go to other countries like that to raid the home of someone who pissed off Hollywood.
Edit: didn't mean to reply here.
I know it's an old comment but you aren't crazy I'm right there with you on this topic.
I don't think I've seen that sentence.
An old time classic.