Assman

Neither can the future martian colonists

My pixel 4 I bought used years ago is still fine

This isn't the place to ask. Go figure out if your industry cares about these certifications. I am a software engineer certified in nothing and I've never been asked about them. Pretty sure it's the opposite for IT/infrastructure type roles, but again, you're just gonna get anecdotes here and not really accurate information.

Member when you went to specific websites for specific content to amuse yourself, instead of trawling one of five garbage dumps to find something interesting to look at

The toaster oven I just invented works much better than a traditional one. It reheats French fries perfectly, you can dehydrate in it, makes succulent roasted chicken, and about 2.5% of the time it burns down your house. You'll always need to keep an eye on it to make sure that doesn't happen. Remember though, much better than a traditional one.

the endless wagons of money from hyped up sponsors

For the record, that describes almost every big software company in the last 30 years.

We switched from Kroger to a couple of international groceries. It's hit and miss quality wise, but this way I'm only supporting at most a handful of greedy shitbags.

What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?

They let criminals out of jail and send them to the meat grinder