Ask Lemmy

Early 30s and no, I won't have kids for many reasons, those are my top 5:

• I barely hold it together on a day to day basis, I can't imagine having to put my needs aside and care for someone else 24/7 for decades.
• The current state of the world is frightening, I would feel horrible putting someone in whatever will happen in the years to come.
• I have a high chance of transmitting my ADHD/ASD (my family is pretty much all ADHD/ASD) and I don't want to willingly put someone through that, even with a good support system.
• More money, more time
• I have nieces and nephews, so I can be the cool uncle whenever I want.

🤔 i like the idea of kids, but i am worried that I'll accidentally pass down all my traumas to them by trying hard to avoid it.

Also, i have voiced this before many times and i always get told "that just means you'll be a great dad," or "you know what not to do so it'll be fiiiine."

Idk. I can be convinced, for sure, but right now i think it's not the best idea for me to have them.

As you seem curious about the opinion of others I suggest reading research literature on the topic as it is probably better structured than a list of anecdotes from complete strangers. That being said in here at least you can dig deeper by asking questions back.

Anyway there is a field called the science of happiness that aggregates research in psychology, cognitive science, behavior science, economy, political economy, etc on what makes most people happy. Within this there are papers on relationships, family and raising kids. I warmly suggest reading on the topic. Last time I did read on it, which was a bit more than 5 years ago, one could roughly summarize that raising children brings for most people higher highs and lower lows. If your kid brings you a beautiful drawing from school, no matter how "ugly" it might look, you will be so proud it will brighten your day. On the other hand if they break their leg while cycling, you will feel even worst that if you broke your own leg. So... on average people feel about as happy with and without kids BUT the way they feel can be more intense.

I warmly recommend https://ggsc.berkeley.edu and https://www.drlauriesantos.com/happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos-podcast to discover more on the topic. Specifically in your case https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/parenting_family

I'm a woman, and absolutely not. This world isn't going to be viable or have any positives for non-rich-as-fuck people, and I certainly can't give that to a baby. There isn't any more point to procreate - humans made sure of it.

Only have children if you are ready to give up your own comfort and freedom to provide an environment for them that they deserve and will thrive in. I have 3 kids and knew that it was a huge commitment, but that still won't prepare you for exactly what that means. You wake up when your child wakes up, regardless of how much sleep you've had or if you stayed up late to have some hard-to-find personal time with your significant other or alone. Children crave attention and deserve to have a locked-in parent so when they are awake, scrolling on social media or watching your TV show instead of interacting with your kid playing on the floor is a disservice to them. Some of your closest friends before children are often not compatible with the vision you have for your family and it requires you to cut some people out of your life that you honestly valued before you were responsible for the development of another human. There are many sacrifices that really shocked my system to get accustomed to, but it has been worth the trouble. Just remember that they come first above your comfort and wishes because they didn't ask to be here and your choice to bring them into this world means that your are responsible for creating an environment for them to feel safe and loved.

I've got a lot of reasons: climate, personal finance, america (country where I live) seems a little unwell, mental health, lack of commitment (I think one should be pretty sure and I'm not).

Came close once with a relationship where my partner changed their mind and wanted kids and tried to convince me for a year. We parted ways over it.

Got a vasectomy last year. If I want them later on I'll adopt or foster.

In this economy???!

I am in no financial situation to need to think about kids.

Luckily, I don't need to worry about stumbling into kids either.

It's such a huge and personal decision. You shouldn't really make a decision based on how other people describe their experience. I saw this on reddit ages ago and this is is probably the single best summary of the experience I've seen.

I can describe my experience, but you need to understand people's biases. My bias is that I always liked kids. I enjoyed playing with nephews and nieces. I now work with children and have 2 of my own kids. The decision for children doesn't come about in a vacuum. I had a wife who wanted kids too. I had a stable job and felt ready. Even then I had no idea what I was in for. Kids put major demands on your time, money, energy, patience and marriage. I have one child which some might call "a difficult child" and one who is very demanding (as expected for a "normal" child). This is definitely life on hard-mode. Children really force you to face your own issues and get over yourself. It has been great for me. I wouldn't change a thing about my "difficult" children. Giving them a good life and catering to their needs is an undescribable satisfaction and fulfilment in itself. I'm learning more than I'm teaching them. I wish work didn't take so much of my time and energy so I had more for them. I asked my wife if she wanted to work full-time, because I would happily stay at home or work part-time and spend more time with the kids. I can't get enough of my kids and the time you get at each stage of their life flies by in an instant.

That's starkly in contrast that with large proportions of Lemmy (and Reddit) which have quite vocal child-free populations with a very individualist ideology. Everyone's circumstances and biases are different.

Edit: People also tend to be more open about defending their current position rather than expressing regret (i.e. had children and hated it, or didn't have children and regretted it); both of these populations exist and tend to be quieter because of social stigma.

Early 30s and no.

1. the world has enough people
2. I have no interest in giving up my comforts for another being right now
3. I never asked to be here and I hate that I am most of the time so why would I force that on another being
4. if I ever change my mind and am in a good enough spot economically I will just adopt. imo if I can't afford to adopt then I can't afford a child and I'm fine with that.
5. I'm stoked about being the weird/cool auntie, parenthood would take that away from me

I always thought I'd make a better uncle than a father. Time has proven me right.

I got snipped in my 30s before having any kids. I have numerous physical and mental issues that I didn't really care to pass down. Before I was married, I did date a couple women in my past who did have kids, so I'm not opposed to that side of it. At this point, in my mid 40s, adopting seems fairly unlikely.

I don't worry about or miss anything specifically. We have plenty of nieces and nephews (and now some great- ones on my side since my younger stepsister and her son had kids quite young) that I can spoil.

I do somewhat worry about setting up proper care for us as we get older, particularly my wife who will almost certainly outlive me by a bigger margin, but having kids wouldn't guarantee that or anything anyway, particularly with the ratrace that is the current Japanese job market and culture.

Have kids. I absolutely adore my kids and have no regrets, but also recognize that I'm in a relatively stable situation where having kids doesn't create other unmanageable challenges for me and my wife. We carefully considered our capacity to have and raise kids. They were not all comfortable conversations. I am glad to have waited to have kids until I was in a good and stable place, and also can no longer imagine what it would have been like to not have these absolutely wonderful little monsters both spoiling and making every moment more magnificent.

I wake up to a quiet, clean house every day. Not having kids is the best.

Is like to, but I won't before I'm in a good enough life situation, and either seems improbable or very far away, and while men can definitely have kids to very late in life, I don't want to wear diapers at the same time as my kids might.

So yeah, mixed feelings.

If I won the lotto right now and found a spouse, sure. Out side from that, nah, prolly not.

I sort of thought that I didn't want kids even though I was married and finances would not be a problem. And then I had a kid, and it is the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my entire life.

I’m nearing an age where it’s not going to be physically possible for me to have my own soon, and my overwhelming feeling is ‘good.’ I never wanted to get pregnant and was always told I’d change my mind. Well, if I do, it’s going to be when I’m at an age where I’m far too old for it to matter anyway, lol.

I'm not even sure if I want to live. Forcing existence on someone else seems a cruel thing to do.

My wife and I have two sons, and it’s an obscene amount of work, but there’s nothing better than the simple joy of seeing them excel at something they love, or seeing their pride at a success.

You’re giving up proper sleep for a decade, and you’re forever ceding your ability to not worry about another person’s wellbeing, but on the whole it’s worth it.

The early years are punishing, there’s no way around it, but it gets easier as they get older.

I do not have kids. I fiercely disprove of the idea of havnig kids without having a person to have those kids with.

I finally met somebody I would probably have them with.

But shes already past menopause, so it's not going to happen.

And that's cool, we're DINKY-ing it out.

No. Wanted kids, but it didn't happen with either wife (sequential, not simultaneous). Current wife can't any more for medical reasons. And frankly I don't want to have a teenager while I'm in my 60s, so I think I'm done anyway.

I would like to have kids, but I do have nieces I can take whenever I want and give back whenever I'm done. Kind of the best of both worlds.

I didn't want kids for the longest time. Then I met my husband and wanted to make a family. We were fortunate to have two lovely girls (after three unfortunate miscarriages). Actually, I think it was after the first miscarriage that my desire for a baby was truly solidified.

Life is chaotic and busy and expensive but I wouldn't trade it for life before kids.

I've taken care of various small animals my whole life; the next logical thing would be a kid. Or a horse.

Horse'd be cheaper, I reckon. And I can't afford that, so no way could I afford a kid.

No. No. No.

Yep, 3. I like to explain things to people, now I get to be the smartest person in the room for a while. It’s great.

simplest answer ever.

No. No. And no.

Honestly I’m not sure I’d recommend it. It’s really hard and it completely changing everything: life, marriage, work life balance, sleep, stress, etc.

I wouldn’t change having one but it was not made clear to me how unbelievably hard it is.

If you’re in a culture where you parents actually help it’s more doable. Assuming you’re a westerner then it’s hard.

No.

No.

And also, no.

Long before I was diagnosed as being autistic and having ADHD, I knew that I would be a shitty parent. I'm often wrapped up in my own world and busy doing my own thing, and that doesn't work very well for relationships, and considerably less well for raising a child.

I have cats, I have a spouse. That's enough.

I'm not one of those people who loves being a parent. You know the kind, the mom who loves having all the kids in the neighborhood over and cleans every mess with a big smile. I have two kids and they often drive me crazy. But I never regret having them.
They constantly fight with each other, whine that this or that is unfair, refuse to listen exactly when you're in rush to get them to school, leave the entire house in a mess and in general manage to find new and inventive ways to make your day that little bit more challenging.
But they're the sweetest and most wonderful thing to have happened to me at the same time. I love everything about them and couldn't imagine my life without them. Even my eldest son, who is hitting puberty and can reach maximum sarcasm with even the smallest of expressions, shows so much care and affection when it comes down to it. I could go on and on about how wonderful they are, but I think you get the idea :)

The thing is though, as others have said, parenthood is a major investment of your time and energy. Your life will never be the same again, ever. So if you do decide to become a parent, accept your fate and make the best of it. Those wonderful child-free years are gone and will never come back again.
I don't mean to sound very gloomy about it, but it's just an inescapable fact if you want to try and be a good parent.

One thing that helped for me though, is find someone in a likewise position and share your burdens. I have a friend at work who has two kids of about the same age, and she goes through the same struggles as me. We always complain about our kids to each other, knowing that it's just something you need to get off your chest once in a while. It's usually about small stuff like a daughter exploding in the morning because she can't find her pencil case, or some other minor drama. Our other coworkers always think that we hate being parents, and joke that our stories are probably responsible for a large part of the birth decline :)
But it feels so good to know that you're not the only one struggling. So many parents like to put up this facade of being a perfect family, and it can make you feel like you're doing something wrong. But everyone has struggles, it doesn't make you a bad parent.

Sorry, I'm getting a bit off topic. It's just that I have a lot of feelings about it, and it's not always been easy. And if you decide to be a parent, it won't be easy for you either. But if you're willing to put in the effort, it'll be worth it in the end. Just make sure you have someone to talk to, and don't be too hard on yourself.

I have a 7yo son and I do not regret having him at all.

I became a father pretty late in life, so I did all the traveling and partying I could before. Everybody around me started having kids anyway, and less friends where available when we were making plans.

Sure, life changes drastically when you have a child, but with a family of my own I now feel more rooted in life. It's a quality of it's own.

It was a nice time before, and I sure miss being able to decide more independently how to spend my time. But our family is a team with common interests and we enjoy spending time together.

As my son starts to be more independent himself, we now start following our own plans again one bit at a time. It is definitely a give and take scenario, but we three get a lot from it 😊.

Edit: More words to make things clearer.

nope, not now or in the future, no.