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Whelp, I've got cancer. It's the second time I've had it. About 9 months ago I was told the docs would treat me but I probably wouldn't make it.
Its been a hell of a time.
It's a blood cancer so at the moment I look normal from the outside. I've changed a lot though, in the sense that I've become more me.
I don't give a shit about anything except for spending time with people I like. I especially don't care about money or work.
It (death) is taking a lot longer to happen than I thought it would.
The real trip has been seeing other people's reactions; I accepted it early on but other people have had very different reactions. Mostly I think they just don't know how to react, or they don't think it will actually happen, or both.
I don't think the human mind is capable of understanding the concepts of "eternity" or "oblivion" very well.
I do believe in God but it's still scary.
Its the everyday things that catch you off guard; the other day I was wondering when the next soccer world cup would be, then I realised I probably wouldn't be around for it.
I think when I finally die it will be a relief from all the physical pain.
Today is the shitty anniversary of my brothers death from AML. He was sick for 3 years and its was good at times and then really hard.
He was already one of the most philosophical people I knew when he got sick. Social Security allowed him to have the time with his friends and family when he was deemed unable to work which really helped the whole process.
We got to drive across the US for the eclipse which happened during his last spell of better health (it was an upswing after a marrow transplant that ultimately failed). I’m taking my 6 year old and wife wherever we need to too see the eclipse this April. So I can show my son what his uncle and I saw right before he was born.