this post was submitted on 28 Oct 2023
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Mildly Infuriating

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I am 23 and I am currently in the dating scene. I've had no success and I've had the fourth person lose all interest in between setting up the date and the long wait between the date. It typically goes match on dating site, set up date, try to get to know each other over snap and then interest lost. I do tend to respond quickly but it's not like I am constantly spamming or shit like that. I am just tired. It's such a dumb minor thing but it seems to be destroying my chances. I am on the autism spectrum and I find texting and shit like that extremely stressful. I know no one is actually going to like past that. Divergence is punished must stick to strict social rules around dating fuck being my actual self I guess.

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[–] [email protected] 25 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (7 children)

I'm autistic and so is my wife. We were friends first, then got talking as we both were dealing with shitty divorces. We've been together 13 years and our relationship just get better and better.

Don't try to get dates using apps. They're for a very specific set of attractive, charismatic, extroverted people. Not neurodiverse people. Some might have luck but nobody I know uses them.

Instead, in my subjective opinion, you should be joining social circles that contain the type of people you wish to date. Hobbies, clubs, sports, dog parks, volunteering, etc etc. All of which might be far outside your comfort zone and if so I apologize and I hope you don't feel insulted. Basically you need to level up your social skills to attract prospective partners.

Of course, I met my wife online first, but it was on a forum, not a dating app. But I hope this helps in some way. Good luck!

EDIT: I didn't date from age 17 to age 25 because I shut myself away. Only once I grew up a bit did I start getting interest from prospective partners.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago (6 children)

Thanks for the help. Tbh I am probably not going to do any of that. I've been trying to live life for myself more rather than living it to impress some neurotypicals. Last year my girlfriend at the time cheated on me and I had a devastating mental breakdown after which I went to therapy. I eventually realised that I had been basing my entire self worth based on how much people liked me. This was proving detrimental to my mental health to the point where I has having episodes of dysphoria. Not like gender dysphoria but a general dysphoria about myself. We put so much pressure on neurodivirgent to change and adjust we forget just how mentally detrimental that can be. Putting pressure on myself to level up will just fuck with my mental health more. Besides, I am not a shut in. I love going out partying/drinking and I have a group of friends I go out with.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

The idea isn't to pretend to be something you're not. Don't do that.

The idea is that you do an activity you find interesting, that way you're not wasting your time, and prospective partners get to know what you're like from watching you or talking to you. From what I gather, a lot of the texting in modern dating, is because they don't know what you're actually like as a person. You might be a serial killer, 40 years older than your picture, or raving lunatic.

So for example, instead of using tinder, you go on a language course because that's something you've always wanted to learn. You learn a language, someone in the course finds you attractive, they observe you interacting with others, you're a bit different, but otherwise friendly and/or harmless. They talk to you during the course about something they're not actually interested in, say homework. You get to interact a bit, without it being a date, and see if there's chemistry. Perhaps one night you walk them to the bus or stay to clean up. Once again, not an actual date. Just getting to know if you're relatively safe.

Worst case scenario, you learnt a language, did something you enjoyed. You didn't waste too much time. With a bit of luck, you make a few friends/acquaintances and practice your social skills a bit. And if you're lucky, there is chemistry, and you don't need to do the weird post tinder match text convo. You already know each other a bit, they know you don't like texting (or that you're too busy) and you're not trying to hide the fact you have a wife, so the first real date is far less awkward.

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